No Emotion
by fragilewreck
Summary: I was fine,perfectly fine in my booze paradise where I was dancing,laughing and singing without thinking how my life sucked,how I was feeling more alone and sad than I ever did even though there was someone holding me and kissing me and just…there ExB AH
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Summary: I'm not happy and ****I****'m not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and ****I**** have no life. ExB All****-****human****.**

**Many thanks to voldemortperfumes for beta'ing :)**

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My eyes opened to the same feeling of hatred. School. There is nothing more painful to me than waking up at seven a.m. every freaking day. I was cold and I was tired, bored to hell and dizzy. That's what happens when you fall asleep on your laptop at four am in the morning and you have to get up for school at seven.

I half ran to the bathroom feeling chills overtake my body as my bare feet hit the cold floor. I shuddered as I washed my face with cold water, blaming every human being responsible for establishing education systems that required we wake up at such an hour.

I got back to my room eyeing with longing my warm and soft bed before going to my wardrobe with a sulky look on my face. Dressed up in my too-casual jeans and jumper, I brushed and pulled my hair up in a ponytail, sure to disgust Jessica again. That girl had a thing against ponytails. Agh.

All ready now, I picked up my bag and went down the stairs only to be surprised. Charlie, my dad, was usually already to work at this time, but apparently not today. He was sitting at the kitchen table, two plates on it, one for him and one for me.

Breakfast with Charlie. Great.

I sat down across from him, glancing up once to see him reading his newspaper.

"Morning, dad," I muttered.

"Morning, Bella."

I almost chuckled at the similarity of our tones. Emotionless. Like fucking robots.

I loved my dad and I'm pretty sure he loved me too. However, that didn't mean there was any affection between the two of us, no sweet words, no proximity. You could say I inherited the coldness and detachment from him but it would be a lie.

I've lived most of my life with my open hearted, cheerful and emotional mother, hugging me whenever she had the chance, leaving a sloppy kiss on my cheek every time she went to work, cuddling with me every night while watching a movie. No, this attitude, this way of living, was all on me.

I never really understood the reason for being like this. Anti-social, isolated, cold. When I was younger I had a lot of friends and I was actually liked for what I was. I guess, growing up, I witnessed the changes in people that made them fit in the world. Changes that for some reason I didn't undergo.

I still refuse to put on makeup just because that's what girls are supposed to do. I still deny dressing up for school like it's a freaking every day party. I still can't see the importance of having your hair down when it's clearly blocking your sight. I still refuse to fit in because no one has given me a reason why.

You could call me cynic but all the hypocrisy that surrounds me just makes me cringe. All the fake smiles, pretentious hugs, dishonest feelings have made me close up even more in myself. Hanging out with friends, going for a coffee or to the movies, gossiping like old ladies is of no interest to me.

I can't pretend, no, I don't _want_ to pretend.

"So," Charlie interrupted my inner thoughts, "any plans for tonight?"

I knew what he was doing. Once again, he was worried I didn't spend enough time around human beings to be socially developed. How do you tell your dad that you don't want to be socially involved? That you cringe away from all the get-togethers like you cringe away from fire? How do you tell your father that you're just not like all the other normal, somewhat interesting people? That you're a boring, empty shell with no life whatsoever?

"I don't know, Jessica said something about going to the movies."

It's simple. You don't. You just lie.

Charlie seemed partially satisfied by that, but I could still see the worry lines on his face. I wish there was something I could do about that but really, there wasn't. I knew I'd end up home, reading for the tenth time one of my favourite books, watching a movie on my laptop or doing homework. I'd find a plausible lie, maybe add a fake pout on my face and fall asleep praying that the next day he would be okay with it.

"You should go. Spend some time with her. She seems like a nice girl," he added, watching me carefully.

I almost snorted. Nice girl my ass. She'd gone down on the majority of males of Forks High just for practice. Half of them had gone all way with her. I wondered if Charlie would still want me out and about hanging out with friends if he actually knew what most of those "friends" did. I didn't judge them, hell; I was in no position to accuse. But I knew my father and I knew a cop. The combination is deadly when it comes to slutty girls and horny boys. I just smiled.

"Yeah. I should get going. Don't want to be late".

Without even waiting for a reply I was out the door and into my truck. My dear truck. I kissed the wheel just like I did every time I drove, mentally giving it strength not to break down in the middle of the road. Yes, that's me, affectionate only towards machines.

I drove to school wearing my usual bored grimace on my face. I couldn't help it, really. My school record for ditching proved that. Charlie was called several times to be informed of my constant ditching classes. My high grades prevented him from actually scolding me but I had to refrain from ditching that much. I just had to limit it and everyone would be happy.

The thing is that I don't ditch class to do something bad or fun according to others, like smoke pot behind the bushes or make out with a guy in the bathroom. I ditch to go home and be away from all the things that suffocate me. Mostly, to get away from life itself.

I finally arrived at the school parking lot and parked at my usual, away from the others, spot. I generally made it clear that I wanted to be left alone, always politely of course, but bluntly nonetheless. That didn't put a stop to it, however. I was fairly new to Forks High School, only four months since I got here, so I was still considered the new shiny toy.

Mike was following me around trying to impress me with stud moves, usually ending up ridiculing himself, Eric was doing the same but only to piss Mike off, and Jessica was just trying to keep her dreamy boyfriend a.k.a. Mike from falling into my webs. Ridiculous, really. I never showed any interest in Mike; actually I never showed any interest in anything involving high school period. I always made it perfectly clear that I couldn't wait 'till I got away from that shit hole and got back to my safe haven. My privacy. Which was about to be violated considering the over friendly look on Mike's face as he approached me.

"Hey Bells."

How I wanted to smack him when he called me that….

"Hi," I said politely as always. I really was polite. And nice. I mean, that was how I was raised. I may cringe away from people and laugh inside my head at the hypocrisy in them but never out loud. I fake-smiled and nodded because I learned not to be rude even when all I wanted to do was tell them to leave me the fuck alone.

"You coming tonight?" he asked, all eager like a puppy waiting for its meal.

"I…um…I'm sorry, Mike, I have some stuff to do," I said, not entirely lying. Because I _had_ things to do tonight but they weren't the reason I wasn't going. But how do you tell someone that he makes you want to jump off a window out of boredom?

"It's okay, maybe next time," he smiled a toothy smile like a five-year-old. I wondered briefly how many "next times" have gone past by now.

We started walking towards the building entrance when I noticed something different. A shiny, blue-silver Volvo in the parking lot. It wouldn't be so strange if all the surrounding cars were not so old and broken like they were piles of shit compared to this one. Mike saw me staring at the new car and jumped to inform me.

"New kids in town. They came in today," he explained.

That was the first tinge of excitement I felt. New kids meant new meat for ogling. I wouldn't be the shiny new toy anymore, _they_ would be. Oh the joy. I walked to class a little more joyful than usual.

I watched while walking all kinds of students. Popular kids, nerds, skaters, bad asses, athletes. I fit nowhere. I was only popular because I was new. I wasn't that smart to be a nerd and I certainly couldn't skate. I rarely even raised my voice when I was angry let alone being violent for no reason. And the only athletic thing on me was my appetite. So yeah, I, Bella Swan, was one of a kind. What a miserable life.

The first time I realized my miserable nature I cried. It hurt to actually realize that I didn't like my life, no, that I didn't enjoy living. It hurt to know that I was as boring a person as I was bored of everyone. It pained me to know that if I died I would actually feel relief for not having to endure the endless blank life with no purpose that I was living. So I cried it all out.

After that day, every morning that I woke up, I made a promise to myself to try and change that. To try and get a life, to find joy in things that all ordinary people enjoyed. Needless to say that every night I got back disappointed, miserable and worn out. It didn't take long before I finally gave up. I didn't actually give up anything important, since I had nothing. Just gave up trying to be someone I wasn't.

So now, I've come to grips with who I am. Noticing people laughing and smiling and living doesn't hurt so badly any more. Perhaps that's why I don't show emotions anymore, because I've resigned myself not to feel them.

The first classes went by in a blur like they usually do. Nothing important, nothing out of the ordinary, boring. No wonder I used to ditch so often. Time seems to go backwards instead of forward at times like these. I wanted to scream and kick and jump and just feel something, anything remotely different from the numbness that prevailed in my being.

It was lunch time now and I sat as always with the rest of the gang, Jessica, Mike, Eric and Angela. Some other guys were there too but I don't even remember their names. Jessica was desperately flirting with Mike while he was busy fucking around with Eric.

This was probably the worst time of the day when I had to sit with them and actually join in the conversation. At least when we had class I had the teachers for distractions and detentions to prevent students from talking to me. Now I just had to fake-smile and fake-nod and be fake for the sake of being fake-nice.

I was lost in those cheerful and happy thoughts of mine when a couple of really good looking students came in the lunch room. I noticed many heads snap up and stare at the two beautiful people walking in and came to the conclusion that they were the new kids. The guy was tall and big with curly hair and dimples that made him not so scary for his huge size while the girl was blonde and thin and walked with an elegance of a model. Too freaking beautiful.

We hadn't come around from the first couple when a second one appeared right behind the first one. This guy was blond and thin and handsome in a weird, battle-survivor way while the girl hanging from him was a tiny little form of life with short, spiked, dark hair and a toothy smile that lightened up her whole face. Unexpectedly a rash of jealousy seeped through me not because I wasn't and never was going to be as pretty as them but because I would never be so happy, so carefree, so alive.

My momentary, overloaded self pity was interrupted by the appearance of the last new student. I could hear the sudden female gasps all around me and it really didn't surprise me. The guy was gorgeous, with green emerald eyes, bronze hair, the body of an athlete and yet the style of a freaking model. He was out right beautiful.

Girls all around me started fanning themselves trying not to pass out, Jessica was already thinking of a plan to seduce him, and others were trying not to drool over him, trying to overcome the sudden hormone attack.

And I, sad little Bella, incapable of any mild or powerful emotions, for some inexplicable and unknown reason, hated him with a passion I had never felt in my life.

I absolutely loathed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The originl characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Many thanks to voldemortperfumes for beta'ing :)  
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I watched him walk like he owned the goddamned place. He had a great deal of confidence for a new guy. I remember the day I first walked in the lunch room of the school. I thought my cheeks were permanently on fire due to my constant blushing. I tripped and I fell and I made a fool of myself in general. And here he goes like a freaking god on earth. Who does he think he is?

I took a minute to pull myself together. Why did I care who he was? And why the hell did I hate him so much? I didn't know him; I didn't even know his name. What I knew for certain was exactly that – that I'd never get to know him. He was gorgeous, confident and sure of himself. He probably was too busy thinking of the interesting events in his life to pay attention to silly things like first days at school. Or silly girls with no life.

So why was I so annoyed?

I stopped staring at him. I really didn't want him to catch me looking at him but I also hated being one of his new fan girls. Jessica was enough for two.

I focused on my food after I caught another glimpse of him. He sat down with the rest of the new kids but he seemed oddly out of place. Perhaps it was because he was the only single one. The other four looked pretty cozy with each other while he sat alone and stiff. He was definitely not embarrassed but he sure looked like this was the last place he wanted to be. Join the club.

I went back to partly listening, partly ignoring the others around me. Mike was casting annoyed glances toward the new kids while muttering something incoherent under his breath. Jessica was being ridiculous once again. Now that she had figured most of the new kids were off the market, her target was the bronze-haired boy, the one with the grouchy face. I could literally see her drooling.

I must have let out a loud snort because suddenly all eyes were on me. Well, not all just the people at the table that heard me. However, that was enough to send my blushing on overdrive.

"What?" I asked out loud, looking around me.

"You don't think he's hot?" Jessica Horny/Stanley asked me rudely with a look of utter disgust on her face. I wasn't sure today if the disgust was because of my ponytail or my indifference towards the new guy.

"I think he's an ass."

Honesty. Such a rare thing for me. I usually prefer being polite to expressing my true thoughts and feelings. But there was something about this guy that pissed me off more than usual. I don't know, maybe it was that cocky ass face he made or his indifferent stance that seemed to scream "I fucking own you". But for some reason I wanted to punch that smugness up through his ass and out of his stupid French nose. If that even makes sense.

Now more eyes were on me and I felt even more exposed by the attention I was getting. Mike choked on his water and if I thought Jessica was disgusted before, now she looked like she was literally eating shit. I wondered if some day that look of disgust combined with incredulity that she saved for me, would stay permanent on her face due to constant using. That would be a funny thing to watch.

And then… I was saved by the freaking bell.

I gathered my things quickly trying to ignore the questionable stares I received from the people at the table and nudged Angela to freaking move already. She, too, looked at me strangely but she was too fucking polite to question me. Good girl. I was in no mood for my usual chatty lies and blank expressions.

I shoved people aside as I made my way to the biology class. Most of them though kept staring at me like they had seen a freaking ghost. I could almost hear their thoughts. "Wow, she just shot me an angry look. She _does_ feel." Assholes.

I reached class and went to sit at my lonely table. That was why this was my favorite class. Some alone time for the fucking loner. It was absolutely heaven.

Until now.

I swear I've never had so many feelings surge through me at the same moment. Shock, disbelief, incredulity, discomfort, anger, rage. All at once. And the reason? A bronze-haired, green-eyed, cocky ass was coming towards _my_ way, _my_ table,_ me_. Was this a joke? Of all the empty seats all around the room why did Mr. Banner have to make him sit here? Why did he have to come to this school? Why did he make me feel like this? Why am I being mental? Why is he smiling at me? Wait, what?

"Hi. I'm Edward Cullen. Do you mind if I sit with you?" So fucking polite. Why couldn't he act all bossy and bitchy and cocky and just fucking badly so I could hate him for a reason? Now I was just a paranoid girl, hating the new gorgeous guy for an unknown reason. I was seriously considering the possibility of my being mental after spending so many hours with my laptop and my internet world.

"Sure," I sort of whispered without looking at him. I focused on a piece of paper in front of me where I doodled and draw without paying attention to what I was doing. For some weird and totally stupid reason my mind was on the boy currently sitting next to me. Automatically, I withdrew myself, sitting as far away from him as possible.

"So…."

I jumped. I freaking jumped. He scared the shit out of me by just saying a stupid "so" and now my cheeks were on fire. Awesome. I was just too lost in my thoughts about _him_ that hearing _his_ voice startled me. I'm pathetic.

"Sorry," he apologized softly but I could faintly hear a smile behind his words.

Finally, a reason to glare at him. And that's what I did. And for some ridiculous reason he found that amusing, letting out a chuckle before he controlled himself. I glared at him more openly.

"So, what's your name?" he asked softly and now he had an apologetic look on his face. Well, damn. He was polite _and _nice. Couldn't get any worse.

"Bella Swan."

I think he was about to say something, politely of course, but I didn't give him a chance because I turned sharply my head away from him, not trusting myself any longer. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I'll be damned before I get embarrassed by the new guy. I withdrew myself even more, shifting and cringing away from him. It was natural, as always, to keep away. I never trusted myself when other people were around. I always feared that my reactions would ridicule me, embarrass me until my face was red as a tomato. I was not a confident person, but I was a careful one. If by being yourself, you mess up, but if by being someone you're not, you feel fake, and then don't be anyone at all.

That's me, Bella Swan, a ghost.

I could feel his questioning eyes on me. I was angry and yet horrified. The feelings that cursed through me could be only described as weird. Foreign. Confusing.

Edward Cullen, a gorgeous and nice guy, sat next to me and while it used to be so easy to ignore guys like these and just close up to myself, I found it extremely difficult this time. It's not that I couldn't because hell, it's been almost thirty minutes and I still haven't spoken or looked at him. It's just that I didn't _want_ to ignore him.

After all this time that I've come to grips with who I am, with who I've become, one guy suddenly bursts in and makes me feel sad about it. Heartbreakingly sad. He made wish I was different, something I had promised myself never to think about. Because if you hate who you are, then why are you still breathing?

He made me feel jealousy, made me envy all the other girls who probably never felt as inadequate as I did at this moment. I felt a desire, never before so strong, to be normal, to be ordinary, just a tiny bit interesting instead of blank and boring and just plain Bella.

He made me want to _cry_.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Banner, may I be excused?"

For a moment, Mr. Banner looked like he was seeing me for the first time. I didn't blame him, I mean if it weren't for my writing his tests he wouldn't know that I existed. I _didn't _exist in his class, I was just _there_. He was about to object but something in my expression must have convinced him that I was in no mood to play today. I guess I didn't look so bored today because he nodded at me with a somewhat concerned look on his face.

I didn't stop to ponder this, I didn't even think before I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door. I didn't look at Edward but I knew he must me extremely confused by my behavior. That only fueled my desperation.

I ran and I ran until I was outdoors and there was no one around me.

And then I started sobbing.

Why? I don't know why. Maybe because I was not normal. Because I didn't feel like other people did, I only hurt. Because I was so empty inside that there was nothing for people to find out. I was boring and tiresome. I had nothing to give because I had nothing in me. Just pain for being like this.

I cried harder.

Why? Maybe because I felt guilty for burying all this pain away like it didn't matter. Because I pretended like it wasn't there when I had swore that I would never pretend.

I couldn't stop the tears.

Why? Perhaps because I was this empty person with no reason. I had a good, happy life and many opportunities to rise and yet here I was crying over the fact that I would never rise. Not because I didn't have the chance but because I couldn't find the strength to do so. Because I was weak.

I dropped to the ground hugging myself while the tears kept falling.

Why? Why? Why?

Because of Edward Cullen. He made me wish. He made me hope. He made me regret. He made me cry for not being like all others. He made me cry for wishing that I _was_ like the others. There he was, gorgeous and confident, polite and everything a girl can want and here was I, plain, boring and lost.

Lost in a world of no emotion.

I hated him. Not because of who he was but because of who he made me wish I was. Someone different. I hated him because I would never be enough for him, not beautiful, not interesting, not anything remotely close to what he deserved or wanted. I hated him because he reminded me of all the things I was missing by being myself. But above all, I hated him because he made me _feel_.

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**A/N: A million thanks to those who reviewed and another milion thanks to those who took the time to read my story. It really means a lot :)**

**But i just want to clarify something. I know it seems like it's happening all so fast, i mean, Bella just saw Edward and is sobbing because of him...Well, it's not really him, it's the idea of him that has her all broken down. She doesn't know him, she doesn't have feelings for him...yet. *wink wink***

**Oh and there _is_ a reason why Bella is like this...You'll just have to wait and see ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The originl characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**May thanks to voldemortperfumes for beta'ing :)**

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A week after my breakdown in school I was doing well. Considering.

I still couldn't face _him_, couldn't look at him without feeling hopeless and pained. His presence reminded me of all the things that I would never be able to have due to who I was– a nobody.

I tried ridiculously hard to stop thinking like this, like I pitied myself but it was too freaking hard. I absolutely hated when people pitied me, when they looked at me all sympathetic and sorry but here I was, mourning and grieving over a boy who would never be mine.

And hell, I didn't even know him.

I spent most of my time at home, as usual, but now I was even more withdrawn than before. Charlie noticed --- I could tell, because he started casting me those worried glances that only made things worse for me. His constant bugging me to go out and about only triggered the pain that coursed through me every time I pictured Jessica and all the other girls from our school going out and flirting with their soon to be boyfriends. Maybe even flirting with _him_.

Edward Cullen.

After that little incident in the lunch room, I never mentioned his name again or anything else concerning him. If I could, I would erase him from my every memory. But I couldn't. And even if I could, Jessica's constant rumbling about him, his hair, his body, his lips, would always just bring him back to my mind.

Besides, we still had biology class together.

It was…painful, to say the least. I tried not to be affected, to just ignore the mere existence of him, but I'd be damned if it were that easy. I sat stiff and fucking hiding behind my hair like a silly little girl that was afraid of the boogeyman. Pathetic.

To his credit, he didn't try to speak to me again, other than the casual hello he uttered when he approached our table. The first couple of days, he seemed to be itching to just ask me what the fuck my problem was but I suppose his manners prevented him from doing so. Instead, he sat by himself, paying or pretending to pay attention to Mr. Banner and generally, minding his own business.

I would be grateful if his cocky and completely superior I-don't-give-a-shit attitude didn't piss the shit out of me. It was like he mocked me with his silent and indifferent behavior. Like he thought that I was missing out on not talking to him. What a fucking idiot.

On Friday morning I was just too freaking depressed and angry, a deadly combination, to attend school. I made up a crappy excuse for Charlie's sake, something about a stomach ache, and just stayed at home.

Heaven.

A day without Mike's asking me to hang out with them on Saturday night. A day without Eric's perpetual attempts of joking that resulted in making him look ridiculous. Without Jessica snorting and making mean jokes about me that were supposed to be "in good fun" but were really just insulting. A day without being nice all the time for the sake of being nice. A day without biology. A day without Edward Cullen.

Having finished watching the fourth season of Grey's Anatomy, I contemplated the next TV show I was to start watching, finally deciding on Boston Legal. There was just something in those long speeches of Alan Shore that got me off. Perhaps it was because I wish I had that many things to say myself, but rather ended up staying silent.

I loitered around the house, cleaned up my room and went shopping for food. Picking up where I left, I resumed reading the latest book I was interested in, A Road to Paradise. I let the story consume all of me for I had nothing of interest to hold me back. I always did that when reading a book, at least a decent one. I believed and I invested in the story more than a normal reader would do. Were I different, I'd probably realize how stupid that was and how dangerously close I was at losing touch with reality. How many characters have I played through, how many heroines have I pictured myself replacing, I cannot even count. All I know is by doing that I have accomplished a small amount of inner contentment. I cried and I thrived, I got depressed and exultant, I _lived_ through the words and the fictional characters more than I ever did in the real world.

Not wanting to be superficial, I also paid attention to the writing itself. Thus, a small collection of classics had gathered in my bookcase. I marveled at Jane Austen's writing and always found it profoundly easy to picture myself in the position of one of her characters. The setting was equally easy to appear in my head and until the turning of the last page; I experienced and thrived in her world.

Amanda Quick was another deal. And while many would argue that the content of her books tends to be the same and flaccid with fluff and smut, I beg to differ. There's just something in her way of writing, the cliché way of her describing the mediocre woman who inevitably falls in love with the troubled and pained male of the story. The tinge of feminism and the confused signals of right and wrong, all of this combined together, makes for an attractive piece of work.

And that's what I mean about the books consuming every fiber of my being. Instead of being a fucking teenager, here I am, analyzing the writing technique and losing myself in the life of literature.

With a heaving sigh, I picked up the phone and dialed Angela's number, seeing as school was over by now. Contrary to my usual discomfort in speaking with my fellow students, I didn't mind so much talking to Angela. It was probably because she seemed to understand my difficulty in expressing my true thoughts and feelings and so she didn't push for more. After a brief chit chat and a detailed update on what I missed at school today, we hang up.

Charlie would come home any minute now, so I decided to start making lunch. I didn't mind being the housewife for Charlie, at least as long as he didn't want me to wash his clothes. It was just another excuse to stay at home rather than take the dreadful step towards society.

As the cloudy afternoon toned down into a cloudy evening and the food was getting cold, I started to question Charlie's absence. He was never late from work because he was never that busy in the first place. This was a tiny, harmless and wet town. The only illegal actions were teenage boys driving without a license.

When another hour had passed and Charlie was still missing, I decided to call him at work and see what had him stalling. I called his office but no one picked up. Weird. I called his self but he didn't pick that up either. Again weird. Having nothing to do and wanting to drive a little bit, I got into my truck – kissed the wheel as usual- and headed towards the police station.

The parking outside the station was curiously empty with only a couple of cars in the driveway. I parked right outside the entry and after securing my car, I went inside. There were literally only two people inside, a fellow policeman of my dad and a secretary. Upon my entering they both looked up at me saluted me. I approached the lady who sat behind the desk while staring dumb-struck all around me.

"Where is everyone?" I asked the brunette in front of me.

"Oh, didn't you hear?" She asked raising her eyebrows at me and waiting unnecessarily for me to reply to the question. If I knew why, would I ask? I refrained from rolling my eyes at her and answered a simple "No."

"Why, everyone is at the hospital. It's the flu, they say," she said with a shrug.

"The flu?"

"Why, yes, the flu. Everyone started vomiting here and there. I had to clean up the mess on my own but I'd rather have that than throwing up my guts like the rest of them," she said with an exultant face like she had won a game of flu-or-not-flu. She seemed awfully proud of something that wasn't up to her but being the nice girl that I am, I said nothing.

"And Charlie?" I figured I should ask, be the worried daughter and all.

"Oh, he's fine, dear, don't you worry," she chirped up in a disgusting and affectionate tone, "but being the fine gentleman that he is, he had to see his men get taken care of."

Well, it couldn't be that bad. The whole police department consisted of 12 people, six of which were actual policemen in action. Charlie was the chief, so I guess I saw why he felt it was his responsibility.

I thanked the woman at the desk and got out of the building. I thought of going back home but I wanted to let Charlie know that I hadn't forgotten about him. We may not speak it out loud but we do care for each other. And maybe I wouldn't run down the aisles of the hospital and jump in his arms thanking God that he is alright, but I could at least let him know that I was _there_, whatever that means.

I drove to the hospital feeling my stomach knot at the sight of the grand, white walls and the sign indicating its identity. I hated hospitals. I could walk inside them but the nightmares that ensued always made me regret ever going. My reason for hating them was not original, rather cliché I'd say. But that didn't make it easier. Many people had lost loved ones inside these grey, monotonous walls and so have I. But since I wasn't willing to reiterate the dreadful experience not even inside my head, I pulled it together and went towards the emergency room.

I hadn't even walked through the door when Charlie called my name in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" he said rushing to my side. "Are you sick?" he pursued and then rather clumsy went to feel my forehead for a fever. I instinctively drew away from him and his hand, pulling the bubble of my life closer around me.

"No, I'm fine", I assured him, "I just came here because you wouldn't pick up your phone."

"Ah," he nodded, "sorry about that. It's been chaos all day long."

"Are _you _okay?" I asked even though I knew he was. Still, I held my head down and shuffled my feet because it was not in my nature to express concern, even for my father.

"Sure, sure, I'm fine. I just came to check on the others."

I nodded for lack of anything else to say and we stayed in an uncomfortable silence until a considerably young and admittedly handsome doctor approached us.

"This must be Isabella," his velvet voice pronounced and I saw him smile at me.

"Oh, yes," Charlie seemed surprised. "Bella, this is Dr. Cullen. Dr. Cullen, this is my daughter, Bella."

"Nice to meet you," said he shaking my hand while I mentally rolled my eyes. Of course, this was _his_ father, same beauty, same glamour, and same perfection. Unbearable.

"You too," I snapped back into reality and smiled up at him.

"You're a junior at Forks High, I suppose?" he asked me politely and damn me if I could find something to dislike about him.

"Yes," I replied shortly.

"Then I guess you met my son, Edward?" He inquired again, politely but didn't help any with my quickened heartbeat. Why, oh why?

"Uh…no…I mean…I saw him…but…I," I royally embarrassed myself.

The strangest of looks passed through Dr. Cullen's eyes, almost like indignation but I couldn't be sure. I was too busy mentally freaking out to notice anything else.

"He hasn't been rude to you, has he?" he suddenly asked.

"Um…no," I must have looked at him strangely because he pulled himself together and cast a charming smile at me.

"It's just that Edward has been through some difficult situations and he can't always… compose himself when manners demand him to," he said stiffly, obviously wishing he hadn't opened his mouth. But damn it, now I was even more intrigued, and damn me if I wasn't already too fucking intrigued by the son himself.

"No," I found myself defending the son I wished that didn't exist, "he hasn't…he didn't…he's…."

"He's standing right here."

Major oops.

Edward Cullen stood tall and intimidating right behind Cullen the great. It was difficult to read his expression but from what I could gather he seemed both pissed and cocky that his person was the subject of our discussion. He raised his eyebrow at his father who rather instinctively let out an exasperated sign.

"What are you doing here, Edward?"

"I was bored," was his infamous reply.

I would have snorted out loud but his eyes were intently on my face which was now on fire. Charlie cleared his throat, positively interrupting the awkward silence.

"Bells, I'll probably be here for a while longer. You should go home."

I would have nodded and left the room as soon as my feet could take me but for Dr. Cullen's fucking interference.

"Edward, why don't you take Bella outside and then go home yourself?"

Fuck. Me.

"Sure," he said in his usual cocky manner that had me _this_ close to punching him.

Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, and calm down. I kept chanting that to myself as we walked side by side in the hospital hallways. I didn't look up, just kept staring at my feet, urging them to reach the exit door where I could finally get away from the male form of torture currently walking next to me.

I couldn't be sure about his eyes but I felt them staring holes at me which only made me blush even more. I was not paying attention to where I was going so I was hoping he knew his way around for we could just as well end up in an O.R. without knowing it.

"So…."

I jumped. I fucking jumped. _Again_. What was it with this guy and his talent at making me all jumpy and squirmy. I heard his stupid chuckle right before I glared up at him. He seemed unaffected.

"You're Bella Swan, right?"

If I didn't know he was new I'd probably roll my eyes at him, for everyone around Forks knew who I was. And that wasn't my inner cocky self speaking, rather my ultimate shy self who had all eyes unwontedly on her. But still, that was a pretty stupid question to ask, even for a guy.

"Yeah," was my ingenious reply. But really, what could I say? No, I'm Mary Poppins?

We walked a little more and I was starting to think that we really had gotten lost, for we were taking much more time to get out than I did to get in.

"Do you know how to get out?" I asked despite myself, looking curiously around me.

He chuckled again and I was starting to rather like that sound. Agh, I'm an idiot.

"Don't worry," he reassured me, "I'm just taking the longer root so I can talk to you more."

My head snapped up and I'm certain my neck cracked from the sudden movement. I didn't seem to notice, though, for he was smiling at me, all sexy and crookedly and dangerously. Holy Mother of God!

"Why?" I asked weakly. I was almost positive that he could hear my heart thumping so hard that it would jump out of my chest.

"Because you interest me, Isabella."

You know, when you meet someone who you think is going to get you in trouble and you tell yourself that he's going to be the death of you? Well, I not only thought of that but I actually saw in my head the casket I would be put in after Edward Cullen was finished with me. I didn't know what his game was, didn't know what he wanted, I didn't even know who he was. All I knew was that he was definitely going to be the tragic and very painful death of me.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing. You guys are awesome :)**

**PS: Those of you who have the story on alert will probably get an alert for chapters 1-3. Sorry about that but i have to edit and fix some things with the help of a beta. Cheers :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The originl characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**A/N: So sorry for the late update. My laptop crashed and i just can't write on another person's pc so i just had to wait for it to be fixed. Which took way longer than it was supposed to...but anyway, here's next chapter. It's certainly not my favorite but it helps to build up the plot so..enjoy! :)**

**Many thanks to **_voldemortperfumes_‏ **for beta reading :)**

* * *

"Uh…I… uhm…"

That was my brilliant reply. He said that I interested him and I said _uh_. There's got to be something wrong with me. There were so many clever and flirtatious and just _better_ lines I could have uttered but no, I had to be yet again the idiot who did not know how to speak.

And while I was mentally smacking my head against the wall he was probably wondering what the hell was wrong with him as well, since there was no fucking way he found my utterly goofy and moronic reply _interesting_. He even waited for me to find my words but there was none. I sort of blushed and stammered some more before he announced that we had finally reached the exit.

I looked up hesitantly to see him kind of smirking at me.

"See you at school."

I kept looking at him until he got in his car and blatantly stared back at me. I quickly cast my eyes to the ground and like the dork I am, I headed to my car, head down and colorfully mortified. I shied a glance at him and was even more embarrassed to see he was laughing his head off while pulling out of the parking lot. Great, just fucking great.

I didn't let myself think about him again that day. Every time a tinge of mortification managed to creep into my mind after that little incident, I suppressed and pushed it away immediately. I busied myself with books and movies once again, leaving no room for unwanted thoughts of a certain green-eyed asshole.

* * *

Saturday is probably one of the worst days of the week. The fact that there's no school is surprisingly not a good thing, for that means we are supposed to do something _fun. _The problem is I can't seem to find the fun in the things people my age like to do. I don't want to go out with Jessica in yet another club that Port Angeles has established, I don't like the parties thrown at various houses of students whose parents are currently out of town. And even though I have gone several times at these things, I never seem to enjoy myself unless there's a great deal of liquor involved.

So I prepared myself for another night-in, another movie and another pile of junk food to be consumed. My kind of fun.

What I didn't prepare myself for was coming across one of the new kids. It wasn't Edward, thank God for that, but that little one with the spiked hair and bouncy attitude.

I was in the grocery shop in a mission to fill our fridge and cupboards for the weekend when I saw her. She seemed awfully content for doing something like shopping food. I was kind of fascinated by her. The little smile playing on her lips, her skipping form one place to another instead of walking, her enthusiasm in life itself had me so mesmerized that I didn't realize she had caught me staring at her and she was now staring back at me. The smile didn't leave her face, instead she smiled even bigger and skipped towards me. I only then realized just how tiny she was. She was too short but her small features and characteristics made the height look natural on her. If it weren't for her advanced womanly features I would have thought she were a kid. I was still staring when she finally spoke.

"Hello," she chirped in what sounded like a bird voice. It suited her.

"Hi," I mumbled finally feeling the embarrassment for staring blatantly at her.

"I'm Alice," she went on, "my family and I just moved here. What's your name?"

"Um…Bella."

"You're at Forks High, right? I think I saw you the other day," she said.

"Yeah…uh…you go there too?"

Such a lame question, though, bless her heart, she didn't seem to think so.

"Yep. Hey, have you plans for tonight?" she asked, all chirpy and excited.

Yes, I planned to drool over Brad Pitt and eat like a pig. "Uh…no…."

"Perfect. You're coming with us!"

"Yeah…wait, what?"

I must have looked pretty ridiculous with my eyes wide and mouth hanging open for she giggled a little too loud.

"My siblings and I are going out tonight to explore a little bit of Forks. You can be our guide!" She sort of squealed the last part and if I wasn't so petrified at the idea of my going out with the Cullen family, I would have laughed at her unreasonable enthusiasm. This girl was weird!

"Um…Alice, this is Forks. There is nothing to see, nothing remotely interesting to do but sit at home. Plus, I haven't been here that long…I'm sort of new myself," I explained, hoping she'd drop her pushy attitude and let me be. I kind of liked her but I wouldn't like her anymore if she kept pushing me.

"Nonsense. There's got to be something around here," she went on unfazed.

"Trust me, Alice, there isn't."

"Fine, then. We'll go to Port Angeles." She seemed to think about it for a minute and then smiled a big toothy smile. "Yes, Port Angeles it is. It's not too far and with the way Edward drives we'll be there in no time."

Gah!

Just his name, made my heart flutter and my cheeks redden with freaking obvious embarrassment. Alice saw that and raised comically her eyebrows wondering about my reaction.

"You've met Edward?"

Yes, and I wish I hadn't. "Yeah, sort of." That would do for an answer. Alice didn't have to know about our little incident at the hospital. I was even starting to believe it was a dream or something, too surreal.

"Oh," she sighed disappointed. I couldn't comprehend her reaction, it seemed very much like the reaction Dr. Cullen had when I told him about meeting his son.

"Is that why you don't want to come with us?"

Uh…What? How did she even…? I mean, yes, he was one of the reasons I didn't want to go out with them but why would she come to that conclusion? She didn't seem to know about our meeting, so what had her thinking that I didn't like her brother? Was he such an ass in general that he would drive away every person that approached his family?

"Wha…Why do you say that?" I could have said no, being the polite girl that I am, but I didn't want to lie to her since Edward _was_ the main reason I wouldn't hung out with them. That sounded pretty pathetic in my head, I didn't need to voice it out loud.

She seemed to be trying to read my face, since my answer didn't satisfy her.

"My brother is…" she began, "a very complicated person."

That was the understatement of the century. Besides the obvious I-don't-give-a-shit attitude and his silent brooding, he found me, of all people_, interesting_. If there isn't something wrong with him, I am a two-legged cow.

"He doesn't really behave well towards strangers, towards most people actually," she said apologetically, "he's…"

"…been through a lot?" I finished her sentence because I had heard that one before.

"How…?"

"Your dad…sort of told me," I explained.

"You met Carlisle?" She seemed surprised but otherwise pleased.

"Carlisle?"

"Yeah, Carlisle Cullen, he's a doctor."

"Yes, I did meet him. He's very nice," I added because…well, I didn't know what else to say.

"Yes, he is," she agreed with a pleasant smile. "So anyway, do you have a problem with my brother?" she asked impatiently.

"Um…no…I mean…"

"Awesome. We'll come pick you up at seven. What's your address?"

"Whoa…wait a minute. I didn't say…I didn't…" I stumbled upon my words because this girl was seriously messing with me.

"Forget the address. Tell me your last name and I'll find out where you live," she went on completely ignoring me.

"It's…it's Swan, but Alice…I can't come…I…." Think of an excuse, think of an excuse, think of a fucking excuse!

"Nonsense. You have no plans for tonight and you are surprisingly not offended by my dear brother. We are new in town and you are the first decent girl I have met around here. Please come?"

What the hell is it with this pouting? She seemed like a five-year-old girl who just got denied a Christmas present. How can you deny anything when you see this face?

"Uh…okay."

"Perfect!" she squealed out loud, clapping her hands together. And grabbing her cart filled with food, she headed towards the cashier waving at me. "See you tonight, Bella!"

What the fuck did I just get myself into?

* * *

Jeans or no Jeans? That is the question.

I was in serious trouble with the whole going out with the Cullens thing. Not only did I not want to go but I didn't know what to freaking wear. What if I dressed up and we ended up at the park or something? Or what if we went to a fancy restaurant and I was severely underdressed? Damn you Alice and your heartbreaking pout.

The only good thing in this fucked up situation was that Charlie couldn't be any more thrilled. Not only was I going out on a Saturday night but I would be with the _Doctor's_ children. Ever since they got here, Charlie did nothing but worship the ground they walked on. Well, that was a bit dramatic but seriously, just because Dr. Cullen chose a small town to live in instead of a big one which would offer him more money, doesn't make him a saint. Sure, it was kind of admirable but we don't know anything for the guy. For all we know he could be some kind of a serial killer and want to add Forks victims to his collection of dead bodies. Okay, that was a bit dramatic too. But the only thing I could think of was Edward and his strange behavior.

Allowing myself to think about him, I recalled watching him at school. He didn't seem to cause any trouble but he didn't seem happy either. He looked arrogant as hell, like he deserved to be in better places than Forks High. He had that cocky attitude, especially towards women, that really bugged me. And even though he was gorgeous, he didn't show any interest for any of the girls. Well, except for me, something that I was starting to think it was a joke. I mean, of all the people in this town, he chose to pay attention to the most boring one? This dude has some serious issues.

Finally deciding on a pair of black pants --- not casual but not too formal either --- a grey v-neck shirt, and my Bordeaux All-Stars, I figured that if we were to go to a club or a fancy restaurant, I would just grab a taxi and go home. I didn't feel like dressing up for no reason, and I refused to consider Edward's being there as a good reason. I grabbed a black purse to stuff my things in and I looked over my semi-straightened hair once again before heading down. It seemed like I had put a great deal of effort to appear like I _hadn't_ put a great deal of effort to look good. I just didn't want them to think I was trying to impress them or something. I was simply doing Alice a favor, nothing more, nothing else. The fact that I kept rehearsing in my head several lines to say to Edward was completely irrelevant. I just didn't want to embarrass myself yet again in front of him. It was bad enough the first time.

Charlie was sprawled across the couch watching one of his games when I joined him in the living room.

"Ready?" He asked all cheerful and hopeful and just disturbingly optimistic.

"Yeah. They should come pick me up any minute now."

Silence.

It usually wasn't so awkward being around Charlie. I mean, we were both not very talkative and we certainly didn't have much in common so as to discuss about it, but we could at least stay in each other's company and not feel weird about it. But this silence was too freaking tense. I could see he wanted to say something, something that I definitely didn't want to hear judging from the way he was fidgeting.

"So," he started and I winced, "this Edward guy," he coughed nervously, "what's his deal?"

What's his deal? Smooth, Charlie, smooth.

"He's just a guy in my class. His sister wanted to go out in town and she thought I could show them around. That's all."

I made sure to put a cold tone in my voice, wanting to end this conversation before it got too far. I never even had boy talks with my mother, although she perpetually insisted that I share things with her. I wasn't going to have this talk with Charlie.

"Huh," he said and I rolled my eyes at him. I would have made a rather inappropriate comment on Charlie's sudden interest in my dating habits but for the horning sound that was heard.

"Uh…okay then. See you later," I waved to Charlie and opened the door only to be surprised at the sight of Alice standing right in front of me.

"Whoa…hi," I squeaked in surprise.

"Hello," she chirped and without waiting for a reply she walked right past me and into the living room.

"Hello, Chief Swan. It's very nice to meet you."

Apparently, Alice had walked right up to Charlie and introduced herself. From what I saw, Charlie seemed rather fascinated by her and I kind of liked that. I mean, I had just met Alice in a grocery store but somehow I felt…I don't know exactly what but it felt different. I needed a change and Alice seemed like a nice one. I just needed not to screw up and try to be just a tiny bit more interesting than I usually am. At least her brother thought so already. That sounded ridiculous even in my head.

After Alice was done charming Charlie and reassuring him that we would be fine, we headed out. There were two cars in the driveway, the one I had seen previously at school and another one which was freaking beautiful. It was red and shiny and so fucking expensive. I won't go into details because I'm clueless about cars but damn, that was one hell of a car.

As we approached, I saw that it was the blonde one driving the red car while the big guy was sitting next to her. Getting closer, I recognized Edward's bronze hair in front of the wheel in the blue-silver car.

"Okay," Alice suddenly announced when we had reached the two cars. "The blonde one is Rosalie and the doofus next to her is Emmett," she giggled as Emmett fake-glared at her. They had lowered the car window so they could hear us.

"Hi," I bashfully muttered.

"You know Edward," she said, pointing at him while she dragged me closer to his car. "And this is Jasper," she chirped, happily running her hand through Jasper's hair, who was sitting next to Edward.

"Hello, Bella," he greeted me with his deep voice.

I smiled at him but I couldn't find my voice to say anything because I was rather disappointed with Edward's lack of response. He didn't say anything, he didn't even look at me. He just looked…indifferent. And I was very much annoyed that I actually cared. I refused to believe that he meant his comment about him finding me interesting so why was I expecting more from him? I could see he was a jerk, his father didn't approve of his attitude and neither was Alice. Why would I want something from him?

"We'll be riding with Edward," Alice informed me and skipped towards the back door of the car. Sullenly, I followed her, my previous somewhat-good mood now vanished.

I chose to sit right behind Edward for, this way I couldn't look at his face and he couldn't look at mine. Unless he looked in the mirror which was very fucking unlikely since he seemed to have no interest in the current company.

We drove fast, very fast. But I didn't mind that much because I had Alice distracting me with her loads of questions. She asked me about my coming to Forks, my mother back in Phoenix, my dad, my favorite color and so on and on. In return, she told me a bit about her family which was way more interesting than mine. Apparently, they were all adopted by Dr. Cullen and his wife which made sense since I knew for a fact that Rosalie and Emmett were doing…other stuff along with driving behind us. Alice and Jasper were a thing and I liked it. There was something about that guy that showed me he was one of the few people that could handle the ball of energy that is Alice. However, there was no mention of Edward. Other than the fact that he was adopted as well, his name was not mentioned, his voice was not heard.

The night out was not so bad after all. It was mostly because of Alice. I was not used to having all this attention on me and I generally didn't like it, but this was different. She seemed like…she actually liked me. And I wasn't even doing anything but being myself. It was a rare thing to be liked for who you are and Alice seemed to do just that.

We ended up going for dinner at a small but nice place in Port Angeles. Thankfully it didn't require fancy clothes, although I did feel a little underdressed compared to Alice and Rosalie. But they were so interesting that they kept my mind always on them, never making me feel like I couldn't wait to go home.

Emmett was apparently the funny guy of the family. However, besides the crude jokes and teasing, he had a heart as big as his size. He was just like a kid, only triple at size. Rosalie was more detached but nice nonetheless. She had Emmett totally whipped but she was equally infatuated by him. It would be the perfect couple to watch if they weren't so freaking intimate with each other in public. I seriously had to look down most of the times to avoid staring at Emmett's tongue diving deep into Rosalie's throat. Too fucking much.

Jasper, on the other hand, was more silent. He joined in the conversation now and then but he was mostly assessing and observing all the things around him, but mostly Alice. He was entranced by her energetic attitude and I could see that on every smile that appeared on his face while he looked at Alice. They were like a couple from the movies, I certainly knew a little something about that.

Edward, however, was…absent. He only talked when someone questioned him about something and to give his order to the waitress. I think he didn't even look at me the whole night. Alice didn't bother with him, nor did Rosalie and Emmett. Only Jasper seemed to cast worried glances at him that Edward casually ignored.

By the time the night was over and I was back at home and in my bed, I was pretty much convinced that the incident at the Hospital had never happened.

I was just delusional.

* * *

**That was it. Hope you liked it :)**

**On another note, i'd like to thank you all for your reviews! Seriously, if any of you is a writer in this site, you know just how good it feels to have someone appreciate your work, so thank you! And i'm sorry for not replying to your reviews this time. I want to reply to all of them but i sort of mixed up the ones i had already replied to and the ones i hadn't so...yeah, i'll try to not screw up this time. :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The originl characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Credit to voldemortperfumes for bet'ing :)**

* * *

Go to school. Don't go to school. You've got to go to school. Don't go. You must go. Oh who am I kidding? I'm not going to school.

Monday mornings were harder on me than even Garfield. Even though I had just had a Sunday filled with naps and relaxing and doing absolutely nothing, I had no strength whatsoever to get up and go to purgatory, or in simple English, school. There was just no way I was going to endure so many hours of endless horseshit, repeated again and again and again and oh God, again throughout the day. Teachers, students, Mike, Tyler, Jessica, math, science, Edward….

"Ow!" I yelped out loud as I made to sit up on the bed way too freaking fast. I waited a minute for my head to come back to the present environment and then off I was getting ready for school, blocking away all the disturbing images of Edward in my head and refusing to acknowledge the real reason I was so eager to go.

Charlie was thankfully gone so he didn't get to see my super excited and eager-to-go-to-school expression. The truth was that I just didn't want to miss anything new. What if Edward actually talked to someone today besides his family? What if he wanted to talk to me again but couldn't because I was absent? No, I _had_ to go school. Plus, the other Cullens would be there and that meant at least a more satisfying lunch. And if Edward was still ignoring me, I would have Alice to cheer me up. Unless Alice was ignoring me too…. What? No, why would she ignore me? Edward is the only jackass in the family. Everything's going to be fine.

A quick breakfast, a kiss on the wheel and five minutes of driving later, I was parking in the school parking lot. I looked around me as I got out of the car but I couldn't spot any of the Cullens. Despite myself, I started panicking a little bit. I was so happy that I had had a great time on Saturday night that I didn't bother with how everyone else felt about it, better yet, about _me_.

My hand twitched towards the front door of my car, my mind going crazy with indecisions about my staying to school and getting fucking far away.

"Bella!"

The unmistakable chirpy voice of the one and only Alice Cullen sounded from behind me and made me turn to look at her. Despite my previous negativity I couldn't help but get a little hyped at the sight of the hyper active pixie and her family.

Jasper was following closely behind Alice, an infatuated little smile tugging on his lips. Emmett and Rosalie were side by side whispering nothings to each other and then there was Edward who looked unnaturally uncomfortable. He kept looking at me and then he'd quickly turn away his head avoiding eye contact with me. And then he would look at me again only to blink and look at something else. It was really fucking weird.

"How was your Sunday?" Alice asked while taking my elbow and entwining our hands to walk together.

"Uh…you know…boring," I said with a shrug and I truly was not lying. All I had done on Sunday was sleep, eat, do some homework and read another one of my favorite novels.

"Then why didn't you call me?" Alice asked with a pout. "I thought you were having a family day, you know, with your dad," she explained.

At that, I laughed out loud.

"Please", I snorted, "I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than spend more time with Charlie than I do now." I felt a little bad talking about Charlie this way but I was being honest. And maybe I wanted to appear as a cool, independent teenager instead of a daddy's girl. _Maybe_.

Edward was sullenly following behind us and I was such a dork that I kept stealing glances at him, almost tripping over, not watching where I was going. I also noticed Jasper casting his eyes on him more times than I could count. I suspected that he knew what was wrong with him, just like the rest of the family, but he was just the only one doing something about it, or at least trying. I got a feeling that that was not what Edward desired thus everyone else left him alone.

Realizing I was being stared at, I looked up. We were walking along the school hall and apparently every student had their eyes on us and their mouths to each other's ears, whispering and gossiping. Just what I fucking needed.

Surprisingly, none of the Cullens seemed to mind all the attention. Probably because they were used to it, what with being gorgeous and all. I reached my locker first, the rest of them going towards their own.

"See you later, Bella," Alice smiled at me.

I was about to pick up my books when I realized that the sulking Cullen, a.k.a. Edward, was still beside me and by the look of it, feeling really uncomfortable. I turned fully to look at him but he wouldn't meet my eyes, he just nervously scratched his neck and looked at the floor.

"I'm sorry."

Come again?

"Wh…what?" I mumbled like an idiot.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

I did hear him, but for the life of me, I couldn't match his tone with his words. He was apologizing and yet his tone and attitude showed hostility. Besides, I had no idea what he was apologizing for. He couldn't possibly know about the emotional breakdown he caused me, he couldn't have done anything to me since he acted like I didn't exist. Unless he was apologizing for the hospital incident, which wouldn't make sense either.

"For what?" I finally asked and I'm not sure I wanted the answer to that question.

"For being an ass," he explained with a sigh and he was even more uncomfortable now.

That made sense. I guess his family didn't enjoy his moodiness any more than I did, so he had to make it up to them. He was indeed an ass all Saturday night, making me feel like I was unwanted, like I was there uninvited and completely irrelevant. He made me doubt myself again but in all honesty, I was so used to my lack of appeal towards other people, that I wasn't surprised that he didn't even bother trying to get to know me. I had no confidence whatsoever long before he arrived here. The only weird thing in this situation was that the rest of the Cullens seemed to like me.

"You…have nothing to apologize for," I said with my best sincere expression. Honestly, he didn't. And even though I was a little hurt, I wasn't about to start crying and making a scene. This has been my life since I can remember, showing no feelings but the ones acceptable. And now I was being cool, indifferent, nice.

His eyes finally found mine and then it was my turn to look down. I don't know why I always did that, never looking straight to one person's eyes. I supposed I was a coward. Looking into someone's eyes was like showing them my secrets, my hidden feelings. And I was sure those feelings would contradict my words, not because I was lying but because I was hiding.

Edward didn't say anything else but I guessed he was still staring at me, for I could feel him beside me not moving a muscle. I quickly gathered my stuff, locked my locker and with a "See you later," walked away from him.

I focused everything I had on the teachers that followed, everything they said was imprinted and processed in my brain. I left no room whatsoever for unpleasant thoughts and by the time I had to go to lunch I had a headache so strong, I was sure some of my brain cells were damaged.

And now I was faced with a dilemma. Would I sit with Angela and the rest of the guys or with Alice and the Cullens? I was surprised by my sudden confidence in that I would still be welcome at the Cullens' table but my head ached too much to elaborate on that too.

I didn't bother weighing the pros and the cons, I knew the Cullens won by far. But still, I was leaning towards joining Angela and Jessica at the table because I just didn't want to be the girl who ditched her previous friends when the new meat arrived. I had just started walking towards my previous table when I heard --- along with the rest of the students --- Emmett literally laughing his head off. Alice's honey giggle accompanied his sudden guffaw and I could see the other Cullens laughing silently as well. Even Edward cracked a smile.

And suddenly I was heading towards the opposite direction, away from Jessica and her nasty remarks, away from Mike and his crude attitude, away from my personal lunch-time hell.

I caught Alice's eye and all it took was her calling my name to pick up my pace and head towards her table, my new table.

Time flew by like seconds and I swear I had never had so much fun during lunch time. Emmett was hilarious. The dude had a heart bigger than the lunch room and a guffaw even bigger. I think I laughed more than I have laughed in all my days here at Forks. And I even participated in the conversation which is saying a lot. I generally keep my mouth shut, especially around people that I have just met, in order to extend my stay with them. I fear that just by talking, I'll reveal my pathetic self to them and push them away. That wasn't the case with the Cullens. Alice kept asking me questions, my opinion on certain subjects and generally probed me into letting go of my insecurities and just having fun. Even Edward seemed to be having fun and I think, I _think_, he glanced at me once or twice.

Without even realizing it, it was time for the next class. Alice and Emmett left together for the English class and Rosalie and Jasper for the math class.

And then there was me…and Edward. I didn't know if I should wait for him, I mean, we were heading towards the same classroom, but he may have wanted some time alone. Or some time away from me for that matter.

I picked up my stuff and turned to look at him. My mouth opened but no words were formed and I could see he was amused by it. I involuntarily huffed and he smirked, a crooked smile taking over his face, taking over my heart. I must have been staring at him because I jumped when he said laughing, "Let's go."

I followed after him, cheeks burning red, heart beating out of my body, eyes on my feet. The costume of a dork.

We got to class and I was again surprised when he voluntarily sat beside me. I mean, he looked sort of uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, but it was a rapid change from his ignoring my mere existence. At least he was trying.

We waited in silence for the teacher to come in, me biting my nails and him staring straight ahead. I think I ended up ogling him because he started laughing at me with that sexy, throaty laugh of his.

"What?" I asked self-consciously. I started touching and rubbing my face fearing I had food on my face or something.

"Nothing," he shook his head still chuckling. "It's just that you're still blushing and I wasn't even saying anything."

Perfect. Now I could literally feel my whole body go on flames and his laughing at that only made it worse.

"Stop it!" I hissed, covering my cheeks with my hands.

I could still hear him choking up his laugh but I couldn't be mad at him. Without even realizing it, I was giggling along with him. We had to calm ourselves down once Mr. Banner entered the classroom, but it was different now. I don't know what it was, but I felt more at ease around Edward and he seemed to have lost the scowl on his face. He wasn't the sulking Cullen who wouldn't talk to me, but he wasn't that creepy and confusing Edward that I had met at the hospital either. He was a new Edward, someone I liked, not in a scary-he's-never-going-to-like-me-back kind of way, but like someone I could actually have fun with.

I think I was smiling all the while Mr. Banner lectured us on the importance of hygiene, something I was sure Tyler was not aware of. Edward's expression was calm, and whenever he would look at me, that drop-to-my-knees crooked smile would form on his face and make my heart jump.

I was giddy. I was optimistic. I was…fucked. I knew it always started like this and then ended up fucking destroying me. I knew it, but I just let it be. Like the fucking Beatles.

We left the classroom once the hour was over, side by side. It was awkward and yet comfortable. We made small talk, fucking _small talk_, he smirked, I giggled, I blushed, he chuckled.

We weren't friends, and we weren't flirting. But we were trying and it felt awesome. Just the thought that he actually took the time to notice me, was enough to make me breathe a little more easily. And the fact that I was finally experiencing something as innocent and completely trivial thing like that, was liberating.

The next couple of days were the same and yet different. I was half expecting Edward to ignore me, but it never happened. I was greeted and asked how I was, I got a smile and a smirk, and I even got a wink. I got more than I could have anticipated for.

We talked about trivial things, irrelevant and completely unnecessary conversations that made me unnaturally content. I did make a lot comments that resulted in my wanting to put my foot in my mouth, but nice things were said as well, that left me feeling good about myself.

There was generally a change in Edward's attitude and I had a feeling that most of it was due to Jasper. He did seem smug as hell and Alice tended to thank him any way she could. _A lot._

Thursday was a particularly good day. Not only do I like Thursdays in general, but Edward offered to pick me up from my house the next morning. He said something about my car not making it or something but I didn't exactly pay attention because I was trying to calm myself down.

I denied, of course. Why? Because I am nice like that and don't want to be a burden. I did want to spend more time with him but I…chickened out, I guess. More time with him meant more chances to screw everything up.

So no, I wasn't going to ride with him to school but I wasn't going to pull away either. I was scared, fuck it, I was scared shitless. And I wasn't even sure what exactly I was scared of. All I knew was that Edward Cullen was affecting me more than anyone else I knew. I didn't really know if it was in a good or a bad way, but I could at least acknowledge the fact that I liked him. I wasn't going to elaborate on the way I liked him, on crushes, love and crap like that but I wasn't going to lie about liking him. I _liked_ him.

Therefore, I would stick around for as long as he wanted me, or at least accepted me. I wasn't about to come forward with a confession of love, fuck, it wasn't even like that. I'm not sure I was capable of such feelings any more.

Friday was a bit different. Edward was still friendly towards me but there was something about him that was off. His mind seemed to be racing away and it was definitely not going into pleasant places. I was a little disturbed that I actually knew so much about him to identify his good and bad mood but I let it be. I let it fucking be.

At the lunch table, I noticed Edward going into an even darker place, especially when Alice started telling me about their old school. She didn't elaborate on it and I felt a little bad for bringing it up, for everyone at the table seemed more tense and nervous. I did though learn about the name of the school, in Alaska, and some minor details that were said just to be said. I quickly changed the subject but I kept the name of the school in my memory for further research.

_Diamond High School._

I fucking Googled it.

I knew I shouldn't have, I mean, there was obviously something that went wrong at that school and my guess was that it directly involved Edward, but the rest of the family was indirectly affected. Thus the awkwardness at the table today and damn it I couldn't just _not_ look for it.

The Cullen boys would be gone for the weekend as Alice had told me. They used to go camping in the woods with Dr. Carlisle to have some male bonding time while the females of the family would be going to Seattle for the weekend. I was surprised when Rosalie actually invited me to go with them. She said something about my wardrobe needing an update but I was too happy that she actually invited me to spend more time with them to pay attention.

However, my answer was negative. Not only would I be too much of a burden to them but I was in no financial condition to go shopping with them. I had seen the brands of clothing they wore and I don't think all of my saved money could buy me even the simplest of Rosalie's shirts. And while I had no problem spending small amounts of money on my clothes, I really didn't feel comfortable with explaining to them my views of capitalism and hypocrisy of today's people. I liked them too much to let them go through that torture. Even I couldn't stand myself with my opinions sometimes and that's saying a lot.

The internet connection started speeding up and I was fucking grateful. The high school's site was rather organized. Information about admissions, teachers, libraries and such were everywhere but that was not going to help me find what I was looking for. I didn't even know what I was looking for, which only made the task that much harder.

Scrolling down, I saw several affiliated links, one of which was a blog that seemed rather popular.

Clicking on that, I found myself in another site with various articles, the newest appearing in front of me. There was gossip and actual news mixed together, all about the latest scandals. Judging from the big amount of comments it seemed that many, if not most, citizens were reading that thing.

My eyes fell on the tags that appeared on the left side of the page, the Cullen name being repeated many times. I knew what I was doing was wrong and most definitely something I would regret later on, but who was I to resist the temptation of all temptations, curiosity?

My hand guided the mouse towards the blaring _Edward Cullen _link and I clicked.

_SHOCKING TRUTH_

_Not long after the pregnancy scandal involving Tanya Denali, rumors about the father started spreading around. Tanya's decision to keep the baby created a bigger mystery around the identity of the other soon-to-be parent. No truth was said from the mother in question and no one seemed to know for sure, though many pretended to do so. Chaos prevailed in Diamond High School, but that was nothing compared to what was about to come._

_While Tanya had come forward and confessed the pregnancy issue, no one knew how and why she had decided to continue with the pregnancy. Sources told us that even adoption was not an option. As we later found out, Mrs. Denali, Tanya's mother had more than a lot to do with all these decisions. But that was not the end of it._

_Witnesses have now confirmed that after a heated argument that took place in the principal's office, the truth was finally revealed. _

_Tanya Denali was raped._

_The abortion after that was bound to happen and so it did. For a few days that seemed to be the end of it. No one had come forward with the identity of the rapist and no accusations were made._

_Until Mrs. Denali filed charges against Edward Cullen._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hi...It's me. I am DEEPLY sorry for not updating sooner. I have no excuse...well, just a few. I am working now and until the end of this month 9 hours a day while studying for college and i am just...exhausted. On top of that, there's all this drama in my life right now that it is just too hard to actually come up with more drama for this story. I have been trying to finish this chapter for over month. Every time i make up my mind to write, i only get as far as a couple of sentences and then i give up. I'm just hoping it's a phase i'm going through, or a writer's block i think it's called, and not something permanent because, well, writing is the only way of my expressing myself. If i lose that, i will just explode.**

**Anyway, i just wanted to let you know that this story won't be rape-heavy, i mean, it won't be dark and twisted like that. The M rating is not for that, either. The rape issue is just something to complicate their lives even more.**

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Run.

Breathe.

No!

I could hear him getting closer, my frantic heartbeat echoing in my ears. My only thoughts told me to run, get away, save myself.

Save myself.

"Bella! Bella!"

His voice so loud. Frantic. Needy.

Me? He needed _me_?

I have to get away. Run!

"Bella!"

Again, so needy. Desperate, but steady. Steady, but anxious. Anxious, but honest.

Why? Why?

It doesn't matter. I have to get away.

Avoid. Ignore. Save myself.

Run. Save. Pain. Pain. Pain.

"Jesus Christ."

Not again. Not fucking again. These dreams are so fucked up.

I checked my alarm, still 4 a.m. Great. Like I needed any more shit on the big pile I had already.

I thought I was rid of these too fucking complicated dreams, but I was apparently wrong. It was the kind of dream that made enough sense while watching it, thus sending you into a frenzy, sweating, hurting, gasping, but when you actually woke up, It seemed so fucked up that you literally considered going to a shrink.

I threw back my covers and sat up because fuck it, I couldn't breathe. Taking deep breaths, I ordered myself not to elaborate on it. A bad dream, the usual, nothing strange about it, nothing leading up to it, no one chasing after me, no one raping an innocent girl, no one impregnating anyone, no one…

"Shit."

There was no way around it. I was disturbed and I fucking knew it, couldn't avoid it.

There were more articles linked to that awful announcement of Edward's violent act. Obviously, there were denials and lack of trust towards the person who actually said it. But when the so called victim refuses to accept or condemn the accusations towards her previous boyfriend, one's mind does tend to head towards the bad side.

Suddenly everyone just _knew_ that Edward was that kind of a guy and they were expecting something like that to happen. Others hurried to put the blame on his adopted parents, while another bunch of people blamed his birth parents claiming it was in the blood. One week ago, I was certain, everyone was kissing his feet and hoping to be BFF with him.

But I knew there were major gaps in the story. Many things were implied, never once getting proved by anyone, no official accusations were made, and no confessions either. Just a mother's outrage and an immediate abortion. Still, the fact that no police was involved was a glaring fact that could not be ignored. Money could do many things, but setting free a rapist with no charges or penalties against him was not one of them. Plus, if anyone was to clear Edward of all charges that would be Dr. Carlisle, and I could not for the life of me picture him rescuing a criminal.

Still.

This was huge. This was…too much.

And I was afraid. I had _decided_ to be afraid. I could very well ignore it or just think clearly and be realistic enough to question all of it but I was convinced I had to stay away. Now, before it was too late.

Save myself.

Getting away from the Cullens was harder than I thought. Not because I was reluctant, because I wasn't, but because Alice wouldn't just give up. She was always there, dragging me with her, urging me to talk and so _excited_ that it could be funny. Only it wasn't. And the really fucked up thing was that this, this pushing me around, was exactly what I used to want, to need. There was a time when I was crying because no one around me understood or was willing to help me get what I desired---a life. I remember wishing that my friends back then would not just simply take no for an answer and force me to go out so that I could finally get over what I thought was a depressing phase. Unfortunately, no one actually saw behind my apparently successful attempts at hiding what I really wanted. Plus, as it turned out, that was not some kind of depression I was going through, it was utterly and completely me. Simple me.

So here she was, Alice, ready to do what I had been secretly seeking for so long and I didn't want it. I was willing to throw it all away because…because I had made a decision. Stay away from the Cullens. Save myself.

I was miserable through out the day and I wasn't even faking it. I was closed up again, withdrew myself back inside, hidden from anyone around. I wasn't even doing it on purpose. I had mentally made up my mind and that was it. I could no longer enjoy the fun of new friends, I could not enjoy the concept of friendship. I was going through the actions automatically, like I usually did. Nothing lingered, nothing remained. It was the method of pushing people away with actions, better yet, with the lack of actions that I had perfected through time. It was natural, completely expected, like it had been rehearsed. I stopped listening, comprehending, feeling, living. Just like before. Only this time I did feel something.

I felt weak. Pathetic. And in consequence, angry.

Why the fuck now?

Lunch time had crept upon me and I felt too shitty to actually eat. What pissed me off even more was that I was still too shy to eat in front of them, especially Edward. I always did that, back when I gave a shit or two and actually cared if people liked me. I rarely ate in front of said people because somehow it felt embarrassing when you were trying to impress someone. I always feared getting food all over my face and being the person that was laughed at. So why the fuck was I still thinking about my "impressing" anyone when I had made it clear in my mind that I was not to be any more interested?

I seriously needed to shake my head for my brain to get back in place. This guy I was still, unconsciously, trying to impress, was likely to have raped a girl, knocked her up and led her to an unfortunate abortion. The people surrounding him were very likely aware of what had possibly happened and they didn't care. At this point, I didn't give a fuck if there was enough evidence against him or if the accusations were sound, all I cared was that I had to get away. I was supposed to be afraid, damn it.

All this fucked up thinking was apparently evident in the way I was behaving because not just Alice, but Edward noticed. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse…

"No!"

Students from the nearby tables turned to stare at me for I had yelled pretty loudly. I looked up awkwardly and saw all the Cullens staring at me like I had grown two heads. And then there was Edward, who was the reason I had yelled. Being the caring person he was trying or pretending to be, he had reached out and touched my arm to see what was bothering me. And now, as I looked into his eyes, I saw slowly but steadily the realization dawning on him.

His eyes, from curious and startled, turned into a darker shade, became angry, hateful, resigned. His hands were immediately as away from me as possible, the hand that had previously touched me, slowly turning into a fist. His whole body tensed and he squared his jaw, determined, ready to fight, strong. He cast one last look at me and then he was gathering up his things.

"Edward, what…?"

Alice was oblivious and yet concerned. But Jasper seemed to understand and so he nodded at her to leave him alone. And as the other tables around us continued chatting and paying us no attention, he was walking away, stiff, angry and dangerous.

And for the second time since I first saw him, he made me want to cry. I didn't even know why. All I knew was that I had to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Away. Run. Save myself.

After I had muttered a little sad and whimpering apology, I was out the lunch room and towards the opposite direction that Edward went. I stumbled on an exit door and then I was running up the stairs, all the way up, until I was outside, on a rooftop that I had no idea existed.

The fresh air was calming but the frantic beating of my heart could not stop. I sat myself on a bench overlooking the school yard and took comfort in the fact that I was not crying, not even a single tear.

My reaction to Edward's touch was…fuck. I couldn't believe I had just yelled at him in front of his family and all those students. I knew deep down that I should have looked more into the stuff they had said about him. I should have asked, researched, tried to at least make sense out of it. But I wouldn't bother because…well, because when _do_ I bother? Why _should_ I bother? I didn't need them. I didn't need anyone.

And there it was again. That feeling.

Weakness.

I was all about standing on my own, depending on no one, taking care of myself, that I forgot there were other people involved. The look on Edward's face was terrifying. And I was the one who caused it. Whether the accusations were true or not, I had no right to react like that. He didn't force himself on me, on the contrary, I had willingly sat next to him, I had willingly followed them at their table and I had willingly failed to do what I had decided to do---stay away from them. I was an asshole and I couldn't feel any worse. The thought that now Edward was disgusted or pissed at me was nauseating and I kept wincing every time I remembered how I had reacted at his touch.

And then there was this other feeling, that made me even more confused. _Should_ I feel guilty for reacting like that? Or was it just the right reaction at a rapist's touch? Even though my mind was telling me to be afraid and stick to my decision to believe him guilty, I couldn't help but believe me to be naïve. Since when was I the kind of girl to fall into that gossip crap? Had I no opinion whatsoever that I needed someone else's to guide my actions? Shouldn't I have been the one to figure this out instead of taking as a fact everything that a blogger wrote?

Before my rational side could communicate with the irrational one, I was running down the stairs to confront the truth.

Only now it was time for biology and something told me that I wouldn't get much from Edward during class. At that point, my rational side had caught up with me and I was no longer eager to confront anything, much less the truth.

Dragging my feet I brought myself in the biology room and took my seat next to Edward's empty chair. Mr. Banner was not in the classroom yet but I had a feeling Edward wouldn't show up at all.

At the end of the class, with no Edward sitting next to me, I couldn't decide whether I was relieved or disappointed.

When the final session was done with, I didn't know why, but I really thought I would find the Cullens, or at least Alice, waiting for me outside, to at least say goodbye. They weren't there. And as much as I wished that that would make me feel happy considering my trying all day long to push them away, I was feeling empty.

Both of their cars were gone and I was left behind to contemplate the mess I had created.

Back at home, Charlie was anything but helpful. He was telling me this story about one of his "many" police officers that got accidentally stabbed and they had to rush him to the hospital where Dr. Cullen, the God of Forks in white, had patiently remained in control and saved the poor man's life.

When I told him that that was usually what doctors tend to do, he cast me a look mentally scolding me for being ungrateful for the God sent present that was Dr. Cullen. It really couldn't get any worse.

I was sick and tired of replaying every single moment of today's events and I was feeling shittier by the moment. All the would've, should've, could've were driving me crazy. I wouldn't be in this mess if I wasn't so curious about their previous lives. I shouldn't have reacted like an idiotic girl in the middle of the lunchroom. I could have gone after him, apologized and made everything better if I wasn't so fucking weak.

And then the bigger questions came. Did I really wish I knew nothing about Edward's past? Would it be better if I was in the dark and then suddenly someone else or even me ended up being his victim? Could he have done such a thing as they said in that goddamned blog? What kind of person would protect that kind of a criminal?

Did he or did he not?

I was restless all day long. Everything around me seemed to remind me of the fucked up situation I was in. I nearly opened my laptop and searched for more information about the incident but I talked myself out of it. This was what got me in this mess in the first place. If I hadn't been so fucking curious none of this would have happened. And then I was mad at myself for thinking like that, for not being grateful that I found out early about him so that I could stay away. And so it went, on and on and on until I was asleep.

And it was one dreadful night.

It usually happened to me when I had something intense on my mind right before falling asleep. Whatever that was, it was running through my dreaming mind all night long. And when it was finally morning, my first thoughts would always be as incoherent as those things I had dreamt about. There were times when I was so immersed in my dreams that I would sleepwalk, open doors to look for something, sit still on my bed trying to hear odd sounds and weird things like that. In short, if my mind was troubled, so was my sleep.

So, it was expected that this night would be one of the worst.

My dreams were very similar with the last one I had, running away from a faceless guy who was desperately calling my name. All I knew was that I needed to save myself. And then suddenly I was in another place, the faceless guy sitting next to me, his head bowed down with his hands buried in his hair, pulling like he wanted to rip the hair off his head. He was agonized and yet dangerous. I knew he was crying, angry tears mixed with desperation. And then there was a girl, sad and very pregnant, sitting next to him. She kept chanting "Why did you do this to me?" and I wished she would stop. Every time she would say it, the guy's hands would grip just a bit tighter his hair. His head was bowed but I could clearly hear the sobs and the angry oaths muttered by him. It was too painful.

I think I woke up at about 3 am but I couldn't be sure. I didn't get up, I stayed where I was, stubborn, and trying to get back to sleep. I tossed and turned, million thoughts, none of them pleasant, running through my mind. I finally fell back to sleep when there was no time left for me to sleep. Half an hour of peaceful sleeping and I had to get up to go to school. And this time, the pull from my bed was even stronger than usual. Every excuse I had ever thought of or used to skip school was passing through my mind. I had plenty and I knew I could pull it off with Charlie but for some reason…I _had_ to go to school. I just had to.

I don't think I have ever been so anxious walking through the gates of Forks high school. I had this pain in my chest, pushing and pulling, making me want to throw up and die afterwards.

I didn't get to see the Cullens until lunch time.

And there was no Edward.

I spotted Alice first but I dared not make a move towards her. For all I knew they could be pretending I did not exist. I was in no position to be humiliated in front of the whole school. But she spotted me as well and I wished she hadn't because I got to see that little, sad smile, reserved only for the unfortunate. I knew it would be bad but the look on her face was just depressing.

She waved me over but I hesitated. The other Cullens cast me a look and that was that. They went on with their lunch like I wasn't there, just across the room. They didn't look happy about it but still, they wouldn't even look at me for more than two seconds.

I finally got back in reality when I saw Alice approaching me. Jasper cast her a worried glance but he didn't make a move to stop her. Having no desire to be overheard by Jessica or Mike, I walked towards an empty table away from the rest and sat down. Not a minute later, Alice was sitting across from me.

And there it was again, that sad, little smile.

My eyes watered.

"Hey, Bella."

Jesus, even her voice was discouraging. She was trying not to make me feel bad and yet I felt worse than ever. How could she have any part in this fucked up situation I thought Edward was involved? She couldn't hurt a fly, much less care for a rapist. What the fuck was going on?

"Hi," I said and cursed myself for letting my voice waver like I was about to cry. I _was_ about to cry but I wished for once it wouldn't be so obvious.

"Look," she started with a big sigh. And then she kind of fidgeted and mumbled incoherently. I was just glad she wasn't comfortable with this either. I didn't even know what "this" was. It sort of felt like she was breaking up with me but it was really my fault.

"I don't…really want to…do this…but…." she frowned and I sensed that a lot of talk had taken place in the Cullen house last night.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and I truly meant it. Whatever had or hadn't happened in Alaska it was unfair that it would affect me or her or our friendship. She was the first person in a very long time that gave me what I needed, what I secretly wanted but hid because of my insecurities. She was willing to show me how to live even if she did so unconsciously. And I couldn't have that anymore.

"No, don't apologize," she fiercely shook her head. "I understand."

And by the way she looked at me just then I could tell she knew that I had found out. And that just…sickened me. Because…because if it weren't true or if it was just a misunderstanding, she would just explain to me and I would understand, I swear, I would understand. The only reason why she would just stop being my friend would be because I had learned the truth. Oh God.

"What…why don't you…just explain?"

Denial is a common friend of mine and it came handy just then. I refused to accept the impact of her words because…well, I didn't know why. All I knew was that while I had unconsciously decided to believe that pile of shit of a blog yesterday and had willed myself to be afraid, today I was feeling like a coward on the brink of losing what little hope I had left.

_Please deny everything and I'll believe you._

"I'm so tired of trying to explain, Bella," she said with a humorless chuckle that had me cringing. "I don't want to have to explain anymore, and neither does my family. We're just…done with it."

But I wasn't done with it, I wanted to scream. But I knew it was selfish. And then…I was feeling rejected all over again. I felt myself getting warm and that knowing tight feeling gripped me again. It was ridiculous, I mean, this was some serious shit going on and I was hurt because Alice, a girl I had known for a couple of weeks didn't want to bother explaining to me her family's past. It kind of felt like I wasn't worth it, which was stupid, but so painful.

I had brought this on me but I couldn't help but resent Alice a little bit for not caring enough to include me in and try to make me understand. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that it must have been harsh for the whole family this whole ordeal, I was only focused on the fact that I was being pushed away with nothing so much as an explanation.

"Sure. I was just supposed to be in the dark and…and pretend like everything was ok…" My voice trembled and I couldn't look at her. I knew the river of tears would start flowing once I cast my eyes on her so to prevent myself from further embarrassment I kept looking at my hands.

"No, Bella, that's not what we…"

"I just thought that since you were so eager to be my friend, or so I thought, you would at least try a little bit harder to make me understand…"

"Bella, it's not so easy. It's really complicated and…"

"I get it, Alice", I finally snapped at her, "I'm not stupid. What…what happened or…or didn't happen…is…fucked up…but, you know, if you had bothered to actually talk to me about it, instead of coming here to…to push me away…I would have listened. I would have fucking listened."

And I was telling the truth, I realized. No matter what decisions I had made, whether I was to be afraid or not, to get away from the Cullens and save myself, I was going to listen. I was going to fucking listen if she just gave me that small chance. But she didn't.

I didn't know what was worse, that it was very possible that Edward was actually guilty or the fact that Alice gave up on me, on us, without even trying.

I got up from the table and even though I could see her silently apologizing to me, she didn't say anything to get me back down and I didn't stop walking away until I was far, far away.

When the bell rang, I headed straight to biology class where I knew Edward Cullen would not be present.

**Credit to voldemortperfumes for bet'ing :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"Yeah, mom, I will. Yeah...ok, I will. Goodnight."

Renee was her usual self, once again. She was worried that my sensitive and shy personality was affecting my relationships at school. It was unheard of that her gorgeous and brilliant daughter would still be single, having not once a serious boyfriend before in her life, and still a virgin. I never, ever, shared that kind of information with her but I guessed that she had figured it out by the fact that I was rarely, if ever, going out. My usual defence was that "Boys are not happiness, mom", but she would always reply, "And your laptop is?" I was always tempted to reply honestly to that question but I didn't want to worry her even more. Because my laptop, or should I say fantasy life, was my safe haven.

It was inexplicable, really. I was lost in a place where a blind man could find his way. I had a pretty fucking normal life and that made it hurt even more that I wasn't reacting like normal people would. My parents had divorced in a heartbreakingly civil manner, at a time that I was too freaking mature for my own good. I was eight and I already knew the difference between the love my mom had for Charlie and the one she had for our gardener. I was also too mature to fall for the "we still love each other" crap that my parents tried to feed me. I knew my mom hated Charlie for being a simple man who wanted simple things in his life like a cozy home and a good football game. I knew my dad hated Renee for being so carefree and careless which led her to be too irresponsible and insane. And I knew that in a way I hated both of them - Charlie for getting compromised in a life that was easy and quiet but not at all interesting, and Renee for wanting to fly all over the world when she didn't even know how to fly.

But all things considered, my parents were normal. And yet, I was not.

I could, if I wanted to, blame my insecure, depressing, pathetic excuse of a life on...what happened back home, in Phoenix. But it wouldn't be fair because I was like this since I couldn't even remember. But certainly before the...drama that burst into my life.

I supposed it was the little things that made the difference.

So my mom's telling me I should go out more often and try actually opening up to people was what made my thoughts a hurricane of pain.

I was feeling like shit when she called, and since I didn't want her calling Charlie after having not answered my phone a couple of times, I replied and went through the same fucking speech I had heard of like a thousand times before.

"Turn off your laptop, Bella. Go out, Bella. Be friendly, Bella. Open up, Bella."

The irony was that I had actually done that. And where did that leave me? Alone and afraid of a supposed rapist who was likely a perfectly nice boy, caught in a mess that he couldn't clear. Yes, I did realize now how quick I was to condemn Edward with no real evidence. But did I really condemn him?

I knew deep down I was wrong to mentally decide that I was to stay away from him, but no one really bothered to prevent it. They gave up on me, just like that. But could I blame them for walking away from me when they only knew me for two weeks? Yes, I certainly could. Because, one of the most important themes in my life was friendship. I might be fucked up but I never walked away from my friends. Unless they had done something to deserve it. And that brought me back in Phoenix, in a time when the concept of friendship suffered a lot misapprehensions.

However, Alice had made it clear that she was interested in my company, both verbally and through her actions. I was her friend, damn it, and in a matter of two weeks, I was certain of that. So how could she just refuse to even try and make me see the facts from her point of view?

These kind of thoughts were repeated in my head all night long, in dream after dream, so it was only natural that when I woke up, I would feel even more confused. I decided on my best tactic, avoidance.

Fucking again.

Charlie was already gone when I went downstairs, no big surprise there. I was already late for school so I didn't bother with breakfast. I was out the door and heading towards my car when my eyes fell on the stack of letters in Charlie's mailbox, _our_ mailbox. I really needed to start realizing that this was as permanent as a home goes.

Charlie rarely picked up his mail so it was not out of the ordinary that our mailbox was more than full.

I went through the letters mechanically, not really paying attention or expecting something with my name on it, so when I passed the small, pale white letter addressed to a Bella Swan, I kept going, unable to stop. When I was done, I couldn't breathe. I sat on the patio, right in front of the mailbox and counted the tears that dropped like acid raindrops. When I reached eleven, I stood up and had the letter in my backpack before I could even blink.

I didn't even remember driving to school or walking down the hall or going to my locker. I only got my focus back when I crashed into somebody strong. I think my head actually hurt from the impact on his stomach and I would have fallen down on my ass had it not been for his also strong hands that gripped and brought me up standing.

I didn't really know why in God's name, I was reacting like this, but upon seeing who it was holding me like that, the tears were falling down on their own accord, unable to stop, unable to dry. A whimper, hardly recognizable, escaped a place deep inside me that I didn't even know that existed.

For a moment, I thought he was shaking me but then I realized that I was the one trembling like being electrocuted with a current of pain. His grip seemed to tighten on me, and a distant little voice in my head was screaming at me to be afraid, to run away. But the voice of my tears was louder and after a while I was dragged out of the hall, up a long staircase, up another row of stairs and up again, until I was out in a familiar rooftop.

No hands were holding me now and I could hide my face in my hands and sob with all the strength I had left - which was none. I sat on the bench near me and brought my knees close to my chest, hugging the pain away, trying to disappear by melting in my futile efforts of comfort.

I couldn't know how much time passed but I knew the bell had rung and I was officially skipping class again. It seemed silly to worry about trivial things like that when the letter, the damned letter, was perfectly hidden in between a pile of books inside my backpack.

And then, there was this presence surrounding me that I could not understand through all that haziness in my head. Only when he spoke did I let his being there with me affect me.

"Do you want me to leave?"

I looked up then and let his presence wash over me like a sedative. The haziness dwindled and in its place, a new, powerful feeling grew - mortification. I wanted him to forget he ever witnessed me like this, I wanted him gone and away from me. And yet, I didn't want to be alone, so much so that I wanted him here, more than I wanted him away.

"Do you want us to leave?"

Confused, that's what I was. Completely baffled. I may not have been entirely rational, but I knew it was only the two of us up here.

Edward and me.

So what the fuck did he mean?

He probably saw the question in my eyes and elaborated on the issue.

"If you…if you feel uncomfortable, or…or scared, or whatever, just tell me now and we will leave as soon as possible."

I heard my sharp intake of air and I saw his eyes widen.

"Fuck!' He sort of yelled.

I couldn't really form any words but before I even tried he was looking at me so seriously, so utterly determined to make me listen. Even though he was not very close to me, I could feel his breath on my face, his every word burning my skin.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Bella."

There it was, the desperation, the need, the utter and complete surrender of sanity. It was just like my dream, only now the faceless man was Edward and he was in agony.

I don't know what he saw in my eyes but he got even more upset when I failed to reply. He moved further away and turned his back to me. I could still feel his tension, I could still see it in the way he hunched his back and gripped his hair with a ferocity almost strong enough to rip it off his head.

"I know."

I was even more surprised than he was.

I saw the incredulity in his eyes as he sharply turned to look at me. He seemed unsure, hesitating to believe me. But I was being honest, that much I knew. I wasn't sure about trusting him but I was definitely not afraid of him. Despite all my mental decisions, my determination to be wary and careful around him, I was still drawn to him, affected in a strange but powerful way. I was done lying to myself.

"You do?" Edward finally voiced his disbelief. He was arching his eyebrow at me, obviously mocking me or my naivety.

He started coming closer then, slowly, his eyes almost looking through me and my silence. I didn't flinch or jump away when he was standing in front me. I didn't even break our stare when he leaned over me, his hands resting on either side of me. I was surprised that he would even come near me when he thought I was accusing him of being a rapist. But one thing was clear - I was not afraid of him. Whether he did what they said in Alaska or not, I was done running away. I was not fucking scared.

"Are you not afraid of me, then?" He asked casually leaning closer to me, his breath showering my face with his essence.

Was I afraid? No. But I was pretty sure I was a little turned on. The way he was approaching me, leaning into me and whispering in the cocky manner of his, made him a perfect predator.

A predator I was not to trust, I reminded myself, but the damage was done._ I _was done.

"No", I whispered back, never breaking his stare.

He stayed there for a while, his nose almost touching mine, his eyes searching for the truth he was sure I was hiding. I willed my eyes to look as determined as I was, wanting for some reason for him to believe me, to trust my words. Having got what he needed, he stood up and away from me, turning his back again while messing with his hair. I realized that whenever he was feeling upset or anxious, it always showed by his hand diving into that messy bronze hair of his. He looked pretty upset now judging by the complete disarray of his hair.

I heard a humorless chuckle and then he was facing me again. He looked at me differently now, like he was checking me out, trying to figure me out. I blushed and looked down because well, it was embarrassing. And stupid at the same time. I was worried about the outfit I had put on when just a few minutes ago I was crying my eyes out and he was asking me if I had a problem with him being potentially a rapist. This was really fucked up.

"Then why were you crying?" He suddenly asked and brought my reality crashing back. At the memory of what had caused my distress a while back, the painful hollow in my chest gripped me again, squeezing and suffocating my insides. My eyes fell on my backpack where the fucking letter was still in, and I whispered with a shudder that made my voice break. "That's personal."

He snapped up his head and that incredulous look was back in his eyes, along with an angry streak that chilled me.

"Personal?" He asked with sarcasm. "And my school background or my life back then is not fucking personal?"

"That's different", I said getting angry myself. He had a lot of nerve attacking me about this when he was supposed to be the one explaining himself.

"How is it different?"

"They said you raped a girl!" I all but screamed. That was the first time I said it out loud and it wasn't any easier on me than it was on Edward. He locked his jaw and I actually heard his teeth gritting while he balled his fists and took a defensive stance. He didn't say anything but his expression told me that I had really pissed him off. Good, I was pissed off, too.

"Did you do it?"

The question was not what he expected because I saw him sharply inhaling and his eyes widening a little. I must have looked smug and he noticed that as well because he was angry once again.

"That's personal", he snapped at me again and this time I flinched. I couldn't help it. I was not afraid of him but the look in his eyes was ferocious. I had spent my whole lifetime trying to make everyone around me happy, never voicing my doubts or objections because I didn't want them to dislike me or hate me. And here I was pissing this gorgeous man off that I probably had a crash on. I lost my nerve then, thinking of how inappropriate I was and I immediately felt my cheeks reddening, my eyes going to the floor.

It was quite for some time. I was still looking anywhere but him, feeling embarrassed and really, really awkward. I didn't dare say anything else because I was certain it would just be another crappy comment out of my suddenly daring mouth. I kind of heard him walking towards me but I still didn't look up. I was thinking that he was probably heading towards the exit door when he surprised me by sitting next to me on the bench. I looked up then and saw that it was now him who had lost his nerve. He was doing the messing-his-hair thing again and his eyes were unfocused. Before I had the chance to think things through, I was speaking again.

"Look, i'm...sorry, i'm sorry for...like, investigating your previous life, I was, I was just curious. And then I read that...that...those things about you....I freaked out", I finished with difficulty. I knew I was rumbling and was probably making a fool of myself but it was the only chance I would get to explain myself. "I don't...really believe what they said. But I don't know you that much. I can't...know for sure. All I know is that you don't scare me."

His eyes were looking at me then and it was like he was looking inside of me. His look was so intense that I felt my eyes tearing up while I tried not to break eye contact with him. I wanted him to know what I was feeling because he was the first guy in a long, long time who actually cared enough to drag me up on a rooftop and try to make things better for me. He was, in a way, asking for my permission to stay here in Forks. He was willing to leave his home once again so that he wouldn't make me uncomfortable. He was more worried about what I was going through, whether I was terrified and scared of him, than what he would have to go through if I told anyone about his past. Because not even once did he or Alice or anyone from his family asked me not to tell anyone.

So how could this guy have ever hurt so brutally a girl? I could not see it.

"Thank you", he whispered and I almost didn't hear it. But I did, and I also heard the relief and some kind of shock behind his words. I guessed he didn't really have anyone standing up or believing him back in Alaska besides his family. Everyone seemed to believe that he was guilty and so had I at first. But now it was time I fixed it and I think I actually did.

A tentative smile spread over my face because well, I was sort of happy with how things turned out. As a response, there it was that crooked smile of his, all sexy and paralyzing, taking my breath away. I focused all my energy on not passing out right in front of him and slowly stood up. We had missed enough classes as it was, we really needed to get back down. He seemed to realize that himself and apologized to me for dragging me away like that. I only laughed in response too fucking content to bother about trivial things like school.

The letter was still nudging my insides, almost fucking vibrating for me to open it, but I was not ready yet.

I reached the exit door and I was about to start climbing down the stairs when Edward called my name. I turned to him and he was not smiling any more, but he had this sad expression that made me want to hug him and comfort him until his trouble was gone. And that was coming from a fanatic non-hugger - I was seriously crushing on the guy. He looked at me then, sighed and with that same sad looking eyes said in a soft whisper.

"I didn't do it."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Many, many, many thanks to stormi2397 for beta'ing!!!! :)**

* * *

I used to love rain. I used to really fucking cherish rain, because it reminded me of London. And I really fucking loved London. England, in general. And I'd never even been there, not once, but I absolutely adored it. The weather, the streets, the buildings, the people, the accent, oh the accent. I loved all of it and always dreamt of finally saving enough money and finding at least one friend who would join me in a visit to England.

Well, not anymore.

England was now…mail. A letter. Words. Pain. Memories. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Fuck, I was going to be late again.

The last week things had been going smoothly. And really fucking late. There hadn't been even one morning that I had woken up on time. I was exhausted. From what? Over thinking. Even Edward called me out on that.

"What the fuck is up?"

We were doing a biology project together and I was so out of it. I kept nodding off and daydreaming about rain.

I knew why he was asking, he probably thought it had something to do with him and his…previous mess. Well, it didn't, and I was not in the mood to discuss it, with him or with anyone.

"Nothing."

"Right," he rolled his eyes. I rolled mine back. He scoffed at me. I snickered.

"Fine," he finally gave up. "But if this ends up fucked up, you only have you to blame. I'm not exactly good at this biology crap."

"That's a first. I thought you were great at everything."

I was met with his raised eyebrow and an incredulous face. I was rarely, if ever, rude to him, even when I was joking. I was always so perfectly nice to him and everyone else.

"Seriously Swan, what's going on?"

I just left.

Alice was next.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

I ignored her.

"About anything. You know I won't judge."

Not now, Alice.

I got away from her as well.

That night I got back to my old semi-depressed self; stayed in the house, tucked under my blanket, laptop on my lap, junk food on my right and on my left, and a Vampire Diaries marathon running. That was my way of dealing with things. I would lose myself in the life of American television and the joys of junk food. And as per usual, my mind, on its own accord, started making up reasons for me to skip school the next day. Even if the next day was Friday and admittedly the most relaxed school day of the week, I was dreading the moment my alarm would ring and I'd have to get up yet again and put that envelope back inside a random book and stuff it in my bag.

And as my dread grew, so did my imagination which by this point had me faking a broken leg in case Charlie got all fussy and worried about my education. I kept telling myself that I would decide in the morning whether I would go or not, but my inner self knew better because my inner self always won and at that moment it did not want to go to school.

But then, just before I finally succumbed to sleep, a peculiar thought struck me: what about…the Cullens? Would they care if I skipped class? I mean, sure, they seemed to care for my company at school but would they want anything to do with me after my giving them the cold shoulder for the last couple of days? They had no obligation to me, and I was being a moron, a boring moron who had no life but the tiny ounce of it that was left, I kept it a secret like I didn't trust them.

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, now I was fully awake.

And since when was I so dependent on what the Cullens thought of me? And whether they wanted me to hung out with them or not? I knew them for about a month and I was acting like I would be lost without them.

Then again, if they lost interest in my pathetic self, I would be left with Jessica and the gang of idiots for company and suddenly my life had never seemed more miserable.

So when the alarm went off, I was up and getting ready without having to press the snooze button not even once. I refused to elaborate on the reasons why I just couldn't stay away from them and put the envelope nicely back inside the Physic's book where it would remain for God knows how long.

I didn't understand why I was feeling so anxious when I got to school. I wasn't that rude to Alice, and I wasn't too cold with Edward to worry about seeing them, but I had this tight feeling in my chest and that urge to please them and be nice to them.

And then…it was clear, I was afraid I was going to lose them. And I felt like an idiot because…it had only been a week and I was acting like a drama queen in a chick flick. But my life had suddenly been filled with their presence and it was kind of interesting. I may still have remained boring, but things were changing and new people had entered my life, people who seemed to be interesting and peculiarly seemed to have an interest in me. I was fucking scared it would all go away because I was a depressed loner who couldn't find it in herself to form an attachment with some people other than the fictional ones she read in books.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out to Alice when I saw her in the parking lot.

Edward and Jasper were walking toward us but they were far enough so I could talk to Alice without being heard by them.

"For what?" She asked, surprised.

"For being such a creep the last couple of days. And for walking out on you yesterday," I apologized.

She got that sympathetic, bordering on pity, look on her face and she almost made me regret saying anything at all. That feeling of embarrassment rushed over me, like it did every time I let out too much of what I was thinking or feeling. Hell, I even felt that way every time I apologized and that was not a regular kind of thing.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. I was just worried about you."

And there it was again, that feeling of…uncomfortable nearness… I did not know what the fuck it was but I was fairly certain I had some serious mental issues.

"I know…Don't be. You're not the only one who's moved here recently, remember? My life back where I used to live wasn't exactly perfect."

And that was all Alice would get out of me about my previous life, at least for that day.

By that time, Edward and Jasper had reached up to us.

"Hey! Where's Emmett and Rosalie?" I asked suddenly because just then did I realize they were missing.

"What? Aren't we good enough for you?"

And oh, he was…teasing me. And I was so utterly - ridiculously for no fucking reason - happy that he was not mad at me or even slightly frustrated with me. And I had plenty witty and sarcastic remarks to reply to him but I was overcome by the need to just smile at him. And I fucking did, teeth all out and a heart beating like a drum roll. What the fuck was that about?

And did he seem…relieved?

"So, Bella," Jasper interrupted and I looked over to see him smiling at me, "will you come to the party?"

"What party?"

"Of course she will!" Alice chirped by his side making me frown. Happy or not with my current mood, I had a long way before I would start being excited about parties. And actually going to them. I remembered back in Phoenix every time I would falsely believe that this night out would be different and I would finally go to a party or a club or something with booze and dancing and random hook ups of my friends with strangers while I sat on the couch and daydreamed of how life would be if I were prettier, skinnier and just more interesting, I always, _always_, ended up regretting it. Or getting ass drunk and regretting it. I could safely say that the ass drunk thing happened way more often than the lonely girl sitting on a couch. I had discovered just how happy and oblivious booze could make me in perfect timing.

"But Alice…I don't know…I don't really want to…I don't even know who's throwing it…"

"Come on, Bella, we're all going. A kid from that school in La Push is throwing the party and he's invited every one from both his school and ours. Even if half of each school appear, it's going to be a hell of a party."

"But, I don't know him and…"

"Who cares? We're going for the music and the booze. We're going to have so much fun!" She actually squealed that sentence.

"But…"

"No buts, Bella."

"Alice, don't pressure her. If she doesn't want to come, you can't force her…" Edward stepped in.

"Shush, little Eddie. Why don't you let the women take care of this one, eh? Run along now, and call Emmett. If he misses another class, Esme will box his ears!"

And with a rather dramatic eye roll, Edward walked away from us and probably towards the classroom, with Jasper following slowly, with an amused smile on his face, behind him.

And I was left with Alice who had a pretty fucking strong hold on my hand for such a little girl, taking me to my locker. And when we reached it, she jumped in front of me and looked at me with so much seriousness that I wanted to laugh.

"Ok, seriously now, if you don't want to go, I won't force you, but I'd really, really, really like you to come," she finished and stuck that bottom lip out just in case.

I was impressed.

"Why couldn't you tell me so in front of them…" I started, curious.

"Because, I'm the bossy little sister who gets her way no matter what. I may be nicer than that and actually care what my friends think and do and respect their wishes, but they don't need to know. They're my siblings, I _will_ be bossy and I _will_ get what I want. They, unlike you, do not have a choice. And I can't have them going about thinking that they could just talk me out of whatever I have set my mind up to." She grinned and I laughed. She was truly one of a kind.

"Um, ok, listen, Alice…I don't really do parties…I just…don't have fun…" I trailed off.

"But you'll be with us! It'll be like going out for coffee only we'll be drinking beer," she explained with an incredulous look on her face like it was common sense. I rolled my eyes at her.

"Yes, but in my experience, things get a bit more…how should I put it…loose in parties. Before you know it, Rosalie and Emmett will be dry humping on the couch, you and Jasper will be off to find some privacy for your…intimate…exercises," she laughed at me and I laughed at me as well, embarrassed, because really, who says intimate exercises? "And then Edward will probably find someone else to hook up with or at the very least grind with her while dancing to 50 Cent's playing and I'll be left regretting ever going to the party."

She looked at me like I was crazy. "What kind of parties did you guys throw in Phoenix?"

"Trust me, Alice. This won't be any different," I assured her.

"But it will be, Bella, because we don't do parties like that either. We usually hang out together, dance a little and make fun of all the drunk people making an ass of themselves."

Ouch…I cringed a little.

"Well, the thing is, Alice…", I trailed off and looked at her confused face, "I kind of drink, too."

She seemed to understand what I meant, or I thought she did, because her face suddenly glowed.

"Oh, so you do like to drink, eh?" She said, a smile slowly spreading over her face.

"Why are you happy? You just said you like to make fun of people who get drunk and trust me Alice, I am no fun when I'm this drunk," I explained.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," she said knowingly and I fucking hated that tone.

"What? Why…why would you say that? And do you _want_ to make fun of me? What the hell?" I asked confused.

"No, Bella. It's just that you're…", she looked at me to see If I was offended, "you're always so serious, you just never…let loose and actually have fun, you know? You're always so concerned about other people that you forget about what's really important, you. So, come with us and have fun, drunk or sober, whatever you choose," she finished with a cheeky smile and I couldn't help but laugh as well.

Truthfully, she had been dead right when she said I never let loose. I didn't really do it by choice, but I had to try really fucking hard to actually stop thinking about everything and everyone. And that by definition was the exact opposite of letting loose.

Still, I wasn't in the mood for a party. I wasn't in the mood to drink or even hung out with my friends. My mind was constantly drifting back to the letter and to a past that was really fucked up and I was almost certainly going to be boring and unpleasant, ruining the night for everyone.

But there Alice was, eyes identical to a kitten, bottom lip stuck out and worried about me enough to try and help me with my problems. If I was the kind of person who showed their feelings openly, I would definitely hug her, maybe even cry a little. But I was not like that, I couldn't hug someone just because and I would never cry in front of other people, at least not when I was sober. So I settled for the next best thing.

"I'm not sure yet, but I will definitely keep an open mind while thinking about it."

She probably knew me well enough to know just how opposite I was to these kind of things, because she smiled a brilliant smile at me and jumped a little excitedly. And then, because she just is that kind of person, she hugged me, really fucking tightly. And I had an awkward kind of moment when I just didn't know what to do, so I put my hands around her, patted her a little on the back but before I could actually do something she had pulled back her arms and was chatting happily about the party and about what she was going to wear. I dozed off a little then and started thinking about rain only to get back on Alice when she mentioned something about shopping.

"Wait, what???"

* * *

Letter. Letter. Letter. Rain. Letter. Edward. Letter. Rain. Letter. Letter. London. Rain. Letter. Edward. Letter. Letter. Letter.

"Miss Swan!" I jumped.

Mr. Banner was looking at me with an exasperated look on his face.

"Could you tell us If the answer to this question is correct?" He demanded in a I-know-you-were-daydreaming-and-not-paying-attention-to-me tone.

Damn me if I knew what the answer was.

"Correct."

I almost turned to look at him but I saved it at the last minute. Edward had just whispered the answer to me.

"It is…correct, sir," I mumbled. He did not seem impressed.

"Would you care to explain to us the reason?" He went on.

Crap.

And then I looked down and there was a piece of paper in front of me and Edward's handwriting all over it. I looked up to see if Mr. Banner had seen it but he was oblivious in his I-hate-it-when-students-daydream world. Oh what the hell.

"Because…oh," I said, realizing that I actually knew the answer. I just hadn't heard the question. " Because as we know, RNA is usually single-stranded, while DNA is usually double stranded. In addition, RNA nucleotides contain ribose while DNA contains deoxyribose, and finally RNA has the base uracil rather than thymine that is present in DNA."

And there it was, the surprised, kind of disappointed look on his face in the fact that I failed to be the student example of what happens when students didn't pay attention to the teacher. I did feel a little guilty because I was not usually like that and always was considerate of the teachers and their efforts to teach us, but I felt better knowing that I actually knew the answer and didn't miss out on anything.

"Very well," and he went on his lecturing.

"Wow," I heard Edward say and turned to look at him. "I'm impressed. I had written only half of what you said but you nailed it. You may be starting to geek-en, Bella."

I almost laughed. "I've always been a geek, Edward. But it's nice of you to notice," I mocked.

He shook his head and smiled that crooked smile of his. One day, I wouldn't be able to hold myself back and I would lick that thing from corner to corner and…

"Thanks, though," I said truthfully.

And damn, my thoughts were getting dirtier by the day.

"No problem," he mumbled while writing down something Mr. Banner had said making me realize I was still not paying attention. I tried to get back on the topic but he interrupted me again.

"What had you thinking so hard?" He asked nonchalantly. I could see, however, he had stopped taking notes and had tilted his head a little so he could listen to me more carefully. And it was nice to know that he took the time to notice my face and care enough to ask me about it. What was not nice, was the fact that now I felt even more uncomfortable since I didn't want to talk about it but it made me feel guilty since he was so nice to me and all.

"I…uh…I…It's nothing really. Some stuff…from Phoenix."

He looked at me then and I was prepared for a sad look or even one of pity, but his face seemed rather understanding. Well, if one could understood messes from the past that would be Edward. I just hoped he would understand that one didn't want to talk about it either.

"Oh," he mumbled, and he went on to taking notes of what Mr. Banner was saying.

Mr. Banner kept talking about DNA and RNA and all that crap, but my mind, even though I really tried to pay attention this time, kept drifting off to random thoughts again. Like, I would so not go shopping with Alice, if anything, I would stay home for the next month in exchange for going to the party. And I wasn't even certain about going yet. I knew I had to do this for Alice, but I didn't know if I was up to it. And I really didn't want to go with my mind set on drinking too much in order to forget I was there. That was my way of dealing with those social crap things back in my old life, I was hoping to alter some things. Plus, Edward would be there and I was not ready to put myself out there like I only did when my system was filled with booze.

"Is that why you were crying the other time?"

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I didn't answer for a while because well, I couldn't. I knew I could not lie to him, I didn't _want_ to lie him, but I also knew I didn't want to tell him the truth. I just…I wanted to keep this to myself, to bury it and forget about it. But at the same time I wanted it to be confronted and done with, I was just too fucking scared. I knew it was going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I couldn't open that box yet.

"It's not…something I want to talk about," I started but I kept going when I saw his face starting to fall, "but it has something to do with my…best friend. From Phoenix."

And wow, I said more to him than I had said to myself about this whole thing all this time. I didn't turn to look at him because suddenly my chest was tightening and I could hardly breath. My eyes stung and the hole in my chest was widening and my head was filled with rain. I barely heard the bell ringing before I was out of my chair and out of the classroom.

It was fucking raining.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**A zillion thanks to stormi2397 for beta'ing again!!! :)**

* * *

_Dear Bella, _

_This is ridiculous. I'm pretty certain that you're laughing your head off right now, just like I'm doing. I can't believe I'm actually sending you a letter, a hand written letter. Who would have thought that? I wouldn't even think it was possible any more. The only reason I'm actually doing this is because I have no MSN anymore. Or internet for that matter. _

_Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. I wouldn't have even thought about it if Leah hadn't brought it up. And then suddenly she decided that I just __had__ to write a letter to you. And you know me well enough to know that while I said that I would do it, I didn't even pick the pencil up. So that's why I'm sitting in Leah's office right now, writing this letter while she's staring at me from across her desk to make sure I keep writing. It is really rather funny._

_So, I was told that I should tell you all about my life here. But I'm not that mean. I know how important England is to you and how it is your dream to come and live here one day, so I won't brag about living here in London and going to school here and listening to that favorite accent of yours every single day…Ok I just bragged a little right there, but you know you're going to come here one day, it's only a matter of time._

_School is going the same as it used to. I'm bored out of my mind and my grades are just over the failing point. Mom is finally resigned to it and is now congratulating me for not actually failing. Speaking of mom, I think she has a new boyfriend. Now that dad or any of her relatives are not around to see, she's not worried about gossip, so she's showing him off to her new friends. I haven't actually met the guy yet, but a certain respect has been earned on his behalf. I mean, he's got to be a freaking hero if he can put up with the devil that my mom is. _

_Ok, so, look, this is the hard part. I had specific orders about this letter and what I should include in it and since I'm not sure if Leah will actually check it before I send it, I kind of need to say what I'm supposed to. _

_I'm fine. Well, not perfect, but better than I used to be. Leah is helping me a lot, at least not when she's forcing me to write things that I would never even say out loud. Anyway, I just needed you to know that this is working. That your idea is working and that I thank you for it. I hate going all cheesy on you and I wouldn't blame you if you thought this was a joke coming from me, but I'm grateful to have you in my life. And yes, I'm laughing right now because I would never have said that out loud, not in a million years. But that doesn't mean that I don't mean it. Plus, Leah is like, forcing my hand. _

_I should also apologize, for a lot of things. I could mention every little thing but besides from filling a number of pages, I don't like bringing them back in mind, let alone write them down. You should know at least that I am sorry and that I do not blame you for anything. I know you blame yourself but you should stop. I know and you know you made some mistakes as well, but you thought you were helping me and now I'm finally appreciating that. I once blamed you and made you seem like the bad guy, and that's the thing I'm most sorry for. And I'm sorry that I wrote this letter because I'm certain you're laughing at me and my cheesiness. You'd better read this letter closely because you will never hear me talking so openly again. _

_And that was it. I don't expect you to write back because well, you don't have a therapist over your head demanding that you write down your emotions. And for that, I'm jealous of you._

_I hope you're doing fine just like you always did. Say hi to your mom and dad for me and thank them as well. They were better parents to me than mine will ever be. _

_I'm counting on your will to fulfill your dream of coming to England so you can come and visit me at some point. You don't have to, but it'd be nice to see a familiar face with a normal fucking accent. (Sorry, I just don't love them like you do)_

_Kate_

_PS: I'm so picturing you laughing at the fact that I sent you a hand-written letter_.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**A/N: I'd like to thank stormi2397 yet again for beta'ing and for being awesome! :)**

Throngs of people were dancing and grinding against each other or grinding against random people or inanimate things like the sofa. And they weren't even drunk.

I was certainly heading towards that direction. Getting ass drunk.

I distinctly remembered someone asking me why I always got drunk. The answer was because it was the happiest I could ever get. And that answer has applied ever since.

I had come to grips with the fact that I was just incapable of enjoying a day or night out without having booze in me. Sure, spending time with the Cullens was different but I had never, ever, truly felt like I had a great time. It was always fine, maybe nice, okay, but it was never great, no matter what. Except when I was drunk.

I supposed it was my fault, my fucked up head refused to let me enjoy life itself. Sometimes I even thought that it was because I was so boring myself. If I couldn't open up and mingle with those around me, how could I find anything remotely interesting or just better than ok? I thought everything was mediocre because I, myself, was mediocre.

And that kind of thoughts signified the fact that I was almost drunk enough to let loose. I always had random thoughts like that while drunk. It was the setback of the whole situation. Booze might be what made me fucking happy but it was what made me fucking sad and retrospective as well. It went two ways, unfortunately.

"Let's do shots!"

I also got excited with random shit like shots.

"Yay!"

Five heads turned incredulously to look at me. I was almost drunk enough not to care.

Emmett went to get the shots while Alice was inspecting me closely.

I didn't pay attention to her, I was looking across the room where Jessica and a guy I didn't know - probably she didn't either - were making out, rather passionately.

Had I been sober, I would have judged them and averted my eyes, commenting on her pathetic and completely superficial character and on the dude's lack of taste and control. Politely, of course, because I was always polite. The sight was evidently disgusting but drunk as I was, my mind was not capable of keeping the wall up that I had built around the thoughts which I wished not to have. Judgment and sarcastic comments about other people's careless actions was my defense against unwanted feelings, like jealousy or sadness or desperation.

A boozed up head was indulgent to such kind of thoughts, though. I wasn't about to start crying or complaining about it to my friends, but it sure did affect my high at that moment, at least for a little while. I just needed a few more shots.

An hour later and I was done.

"All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! Now put your hands up! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh…!!!"

I was dancing and singing and just jumping up and down and I had never seen Alice looking at me so excitedly. She seemed to be having fun with the drunken me, and that was another reason why I liked to get drunk. It seemed like my friends were happier with me when I was all boozed up, than when I was all sober and serious. Or it was just another excuse for me to drink with no guilt.

"Let's do more shots!" I suggested, or more like screamed to Alice. The music was so loud I could practically feel the beat of it inside me.

"Bella…are you sure? I mean, you've drank too much already…"

"I'm fiiiiiiine!"

It was funny how she worried about me, not funnier than Edward's worrying about me but still, it was pretty close. They were all concerned and protective and caring, it was surreal. A distant voice in my head was saying that this was nice of them and certainly not funny, but I laughed at them anyway. Everything was funny and everyone was ridiculous. We did more shots with Alice and I could feel almost nothing when the alcohol went down my throat, neither a burning feeling, nor a tingle, it was like drinking water. And I was fine, perfectly fine in my booze paradise where I was dancing, laughing and singing without thinking how my life sucked because I sucked. How I was too pathetic to get over the depressing phase I was going through since I hit puberty. How I had no idea what was wrong with me and yet I knew I couldn't find a cure for it. How I was too scared to deal with Kateand her problems while hiding behind mine, claiming that mine were bigger issues when they weren't. How I didn't even know what my issues were but jumped at every opportunity to admit that I actually had plenty of issues. How I was dancing right now without even listening to the music that was so loud that my heart hurt. How I was now grinding against some guy that I hadn't even looked at. How my eyes could not focus on his face for too long but I could still see he was not in the least attractive, certainly not my type. How his hands were everywhere and how his nose was bumping mine. How his lips barely touched mine before his tongue was out and in my mouth. How I did the gag reflex in his mouth but he thought I was overcome with passion or whatever and responded with more passion himself. How he was groping and feeling me up but I was not feeling anything. How I was kissing him back because I felt like I had to, like every normal girl would do exactly that. How I was feeling more alone and sad than I ever did even though there was someone holding me and kissing me and just…there. How I was…

"Ffffffuck!!" I groaned into my pillow. "Jesus fucking Christ!" A flood of memories from last night came rushing through my head, making me feel light headed. How did I…? Who was I…? Why would I…? How could I…? Oh my…

"Mmmmm"

Holy Mother of God!!!

There was someone in my room. It couldn't be…NO!

I leaned over the left side of my bed to see that there was a lump of blankets over something that seemed to be moving.

Holy fucking shit!!

It couldn't be…him, could it? I would never…would I?

"Mmmmm"

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" I whispered to myself. I couldn't believe I could have done what was implied by the current situation. I was certainly not the kind of girl who believed in teenage love and losing your virginity to the love of your life but I didn't think I could be the other kind of girl who would get deflowered by a guy she didn't even know. Plus, I could not remember any-freaking-thing.

"Stop talking so loudly. My head is killing me!"

And…that was not a guy. Or maybe it was a guy who had a hilarious - and just begging to be mocked - female voice.

I carefully grabbed the end of the blanket covering whoever had just talked and slowly dragged it back.

A mop of dark, spiky hair was peeking out from a fluffy ball that was the pillow.

"Alice!!!"

I had never been happier to see her.

"Oh, thank God it's you", I sighed in relief and fell back to bed.

"Why? Who else could it be?" She said in a muffled voice.

I cringed because it was way too early to reflect on last night. I had a feeling it was going to suck even more, tomorrow at school.

I still had a fuzzy memory but the little I could remember made me want to hit my head so hard against the wall in order to get amnesia. Or die. Same difference.

All I knew was that I really didn't want to talk about it, not now, not ever, but especially not now.

"What time is it?" I asked instead but didn't wait for her answer. I quickly got up and went in search of my cellphone.

"Don't change the subject," she said and there was certainly a smile in her voice.

Ahhh hell.

I turned to look at her and there she was, sitting on my bed, yoga style, her hair peeking out at all corners and a mischief tingle in her eyes.

"You thought there was a guy in here, didn't you?"

She was all cheeky and teasing and I just wanted to deck her and then deck myself against the wall. How did I let myself get into this mess? It wasn't the first time I had gotten drunk or had done something stupid like hook up with a random dude, but this was not Phoenix god dammit, I was new here and did not have my childhood friends along with me. All these people were new to me and I was new to them. And now I was the new whore. Nobody was going to judge Jessica because she was not new around here, her whoring was well known, but I was the new kid in town, the daughter of the chief of police, who got ass drunk and got ass groped by some guy whom she didn't even know.

And I still didn't know the whole fucking story.

"Fuck!!!"

I sat on the edge of my bed, my back to Alice and my head inside my hands.

How had I come to this? I remembered drinking, doing shots, drinking some more, and then I was dancing and Alice was dancing with me and then…we did more shots. And then I was dancing alone…and there he was, grinding against me, touching me, breathing against me, shoving his tongue in my mouth…

"Oh, God!"

I barely reached the toilet before I gagged my insides out. I threw up, again and again, and just when I thought I didn't have anything left in me, a certain somebody's face appeared in my head and then an image of his tongue in my mouth and of his hands on my…I was vomiting again.

Alice was there when I got back, with a glass of water and a sympathetic hand on my back. I didn't want sympathy, I wanted to get slapped so hard that I would quit drinking for the rest of my life.

"Are you ok?" Alice murmured while rubbing my back.

I shook my head from right to left vigorously because I was certainly not fucking ok. I had my head buried in my hands yet again because it really seemed like I would start crying at any second.

"It's really not a big deal, Bella," Alice went on, "I mean, everyone's fooled around once or twice."

I cringed, making her laugh.

"It's not funny!" I groaned inside my hands.

This made her laugh even harder.

And somehow, I felt a little better. Before I knew it, I was laughing along with her and after a while, we were cracking up so hard that Charlie heard us from downstairs and came to check up on us.

"It's really going to be fine, Bella," Alice assured me my once Charlie was gone.

"But…but I didn't even know his name, Alice. I didn't even…look at his face."

She laughed. "That was probably for the best."

"Oh my God! He was that bad? Oh I'm gonna throw up again!" I whined.

"Well, he wasn't _that_ bad, but he was not above mediocre. Unless you like the short, sturdy, shaved-head, gangster type."

I felt so angry with myself. The only thing that would prevent me from crying was laughter. So we cracked up again and again while Alice was telling me about everything I missed from last night.

Apparently, he was the one to approach me and I was too lost in my high to look at him and actually think before responding to him. It was not just us who were hooking up, plenty of others were doing the same, if not worse, all around the room. Alice was about to come and get me because I had drunk just a bit too much but suddenly I was being swallowed by the tongue-thruster and she didn't want to interrupt us. She did however caught my eye signal at some point when apparently I wanted her to come and get me away from him. She said that the guy was all lovey dovey, kissing my hand and asking if I were ok, but the urge to puke prevented me from thinking nicely of him. We then left and Edward suggested that Alice would stay with me in case anything happened to me during the night.

And shit, I had only just thought of Edward. What would he think? Why should he _care_? Why should _I_ care? Yes, I liked him but the feeling was doomed before it even transformed into something more than a passing thought. I really didn't want to dwell on that fact so I focused back on Alice.

"I wish you had interrupted us right from the start," I told her truthfully.

"Come on, it couldn't be that bad."

"Trust me, Alice, it was…it was not good."

More memories from last night came back to me which only made it clearer just how bad it was. Aside from the fact that I remembered that I felt…nothing, I could now recall Edward. He had been drinking with us at first, but after a considerable amount of alcohol he stopped, said it was more than enough. I also remembered him telling me to stop drinking before I did anything stupid which was…pretty accurate eventually. And then I could almost clearly remember his face when that guy was grinding against me, feeling me up and down while I did nothing to put him off.

I wish I could say that his eyes darkened with jealousy and hidden lust, that he was in rage because someone else was touching me, that he could barely control himself before he came and dragged me away from the other guy, but that would be bullshit. Horse shit, to be exact. And though I would find this shit pleasant to read in a historical romance, I did not live in fiction and that would never happen in real life. What could happen and what actually did happen was a lot worse and way more real.

There was no lust, no anger and certainly no jealousy, and even though I was too drunk to focus on things like dilating eyes or hardening jaws, I did remember the way his look made me feel.

Ashamed.

I could not be sure about what he was thinking at that moment but it sure seemed to me like he was disgusted with me. No hooded eyes, no meaningful quirks of the mouth, just a plain, hard stare on me that was like a punch in the gut that kept you up all night because you couldn't find the right spot for your body to squish the pain.

And then other memories rushed back, memories of what we actually did with that guy and…

"Oh God, oh God, oh God!" I jumped up and down.

"What?"

"I just remembered…something he did…and oh God!!!"

I kept shaking myself as a shudder of disgust went through me. And then I giggled because it was fucking funny. And pretty embarrassing.

"What?" Alice laughed. "What did he do?"

"No." I couldn't tell her. This was ridiculous. She would laugh at me for the rest of both of our lives.

"Come on, Bella. I'm pretty sure it's not something I haven't done with Jasper before," she said as a matter of fact.

Ew. "That doesn't make it any better."

"Oh, come on. I promise I won't laugh," she said and as promised she sat with the most serious look on her face waiting expectantly.

I knew she was going to laugh, and then I was going to laugh with her, and then I was going to regret ever telling her, but…I really needed to tell someone.

"He…kind of…twisted my…nipples."

She didn't react.

"And it really fucking hurt. I mean...who likes that?"

And then I grabbed my tits with a cringe as if to prove my point.

We cracked up.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I deeply, deeply apologize for taking so long to update. Real life is a bitch. I won't make promises that i won't be able to keep, but i will say this - i will punch real life in the face and try my damnest to post sooner.**

**I would also like to clarify something that was not very clear in the last chapter : Bella did not have sex with that guy. Some minor details about what happened will be said in this chapter but the certain thing is that she did not have sex with him. **

**Also, i would like to thank those of you who keep reading this story even if i suck at updating, those of you who leave reviews and also those who recommend this story to others to read. I just stumbled upon a recommendation of this story and i felt my heart go all warm and shit. Really, thank you so much. Just knowing that you guys take the time to simply read my stuff, makes every real-life storm fucking disappear.**

**ETA: Sorry for taking down the chapter. I just had to have it beta'd and i have Diana Wolfskill to thank for that. THANK YOU DIANA!!!**

* * *

"I refuse to talk about it anymore," were my first words to Alice when we met up in the school parking lot. And honestly, it was physically painful to remember and comment on the Saturday night party. It was just one of those memories that keeps coming back to make you cringe and hate yourself, regret and wish you could just erase it from your mind. I really fucking wished that I could wipe clean the memory of getting drunk and letting that guy grope me and do some painful things to my nipples. I still couldn't believe that most people actually like that.

I had plenty of regrets and I had different bad memories coming back to me every time I went to sleep. I remembered when Kate and I had laughed at our…more- than- chubby teacher when he had said that he was on a diet to lose weight. It was spontaneous, really, and utterly mean. We were laughing before we could even think about how mean it sounded and it had always haunted me after that. I was always nice, and that was really, _really_ rude. I felt bad for days and even after two years I still got that feeling of shame when I remembered it.

There was also this other time when I got a little offensive towards a friend's choice of career. I could not really remember the exact words but I could tell I was joking around, innocently mocking my friend until it got to be a little insulting. We always fake insulted each other back then, and I remember being the object of the mocking many times, but that was why it was so bad of me – I knew how hurtful some things could be, even when they were uttered as a joke.

I realized how silly these things were, how silly of me it was to think and feel bad about stupid memories like those. But it was more like a feeling, a disappointment on my part that reminded me that I had made plenty mistakes, examples of which were those particular memories. There were plenty other, more important or even more insignificant little flashes that penetrated my mind when I was trying to sleep. That time, when you are lying in bed and waiting for slumber to take you under, I always called it the regret time. It was when I went back unconsciously and unwillingly to things that I regretted, to things that made me feel like crap.

Stupid as it may be, this Saturday night was another one of those little flashes.

Sunday night was hell. I tossed and turned, got rid of my covers until my feet were frozen and I had to get covered up again. I sighed and groaned and just regretted the hell out of ever going to that party. I knew I was going to get weird looks, gossip and all that from the other students first thing in the morning, but that was the least of it. I was always the harshest judge of my actions. Even if nothing happened at school concerning my… "hook-up" I was going to beat myself up until I was exhausted. And only then did I fall asleep, when I was completely and utterly exhausted from overanalyzing every little moment of that night – what I should have done, what I should not in any case have done, what I could have potentially done and what not. My mind was a spinning wheel when I opened my eyes at the crack of dawn.

"Oh come on, give me a little something!" Alice insisted. She grabbed my arm and linked it with hers, walking alongside me towards the school entrance.

"You were there, Alice. You saw…everything," I said and immediately cringed because the memories were too fresh.

"No, I only saw you two making out and groping each other. I don't know how it started, what he said, what you did, how it all-"

"I didn't…grope, he did, I was just…there." I felt like defending myself but truthfully I was just ashamed. It wasn't like I did something bad, I wasn't cheating or anything and I wasn't taking advantage of anyone. It was just…I had nothing to tell Alice about it. And that by itself was sad. I had hooked up with a guy, made out with him, got groped and felt up rather thoroughly and yet I had nothing significant to remember but the fact that I had thrown up the day after. The whole thing was so pointless, so…blah, that I had no reason for ever doing it. I didn't like the guy, I didn't even know the guy, I didn't feel anything but regret and I was starting to realize that I had even forgotten his name. Or maybe I never really knew it.

"Oh, come on Bella, don't make me drag this out," she whined. "Don't be embarrassed; you didn't do anything I haven't done before," she whispered suggestively and giggled a little.

"But I _am_ embarrassed, Alice," I burst out suddenly. "This isn't…this isn't something that I want to…It's one of those things that…I regret it, ok? I fucking regret it!" I unlinked our arms and stomped off because I was angry and sad and ashamed and just wanted to get the hell away from everyone.

I was almost running to get to my locker and get my things when I collapsed into someone and literally fell on my ass. I heard muffled giggles and laughs all around me but I didn't even bother looking up. I got on my knees and was about to stand up on my own when two strong hands grabbed me and pulled me up. I saw green eyes, bronze hair and furrowed brows and then I was watching Edward's retreating back as he walked away from me.

I didn't really think before moving but I was suddenly running after him and walking side by side with him.

"Hey," I said and tried to watch where I was going while looking at him.

"Hey," he said back with a nod towards me.

"Um…sorry for bumping into you like that. I wasn't watching…"

"S'okay." He shrugged my apology off.

He was still walking fast and I had a hard time keeping up with him while I was also feeling a little uncomfortable with the fact that he wasn't even trying to slow down so he could talk to me. And I don't know where I found the courage or the strength to actually do it, but I firmly grabbed his arm and made him stop and face me.

He looked thoroughly surprised, maybe even more than me.

"What's wrong?" I asked and then started fidgeting because really, I was feeling too uncomfortable to look him in the eye. We might have…"bonded" in a way, over the last month, we may have talked and laughed and just interacted, but I was not in a place to take liberties like grabbing his arm or forcing him to talk to me.

He raised one eyebrow at me, as If dismissing my efforts completely, shrugged his arm out of my grip and with an indignant "nothing" he was walking, or more like running, away from me.

I was determined to be angry with him because he was back to being an ass for no reason, but it was really hard for me not to feel rejected at that moment. He was walking away from me, leaving me standing there like an idiot, like I had crossed some kind of line when I was certain that was not the case. Just last Friday we were talking and gossiping and exchanging notes and now he was dismissing me like I was any other Jessica who was following him around.

I felt like shit.

My mood didn't improve during the rest of the classes. Alice was still trying to make me feel comfortable about my hook-up, but the more she tried, the less comfortable I was. However, the most annoying of them all, was Jessica and her totally inappropriate gestures regarding my Saturday night activities. It was the first time I was seriously considering physically harming her.

Jessica wasn't the only one making suggestive comments but she was the most provocative. Angela tried to discreetly find out if anything other than what she saw, other than what they all saw, happened. Mike and the rest of the guys made a couple of crude jokes about me "getting some action" but then got bored and went back to ridiculing each other.

By the time I finally met up with the Cullens, it was lunch time and Edward was not with them. I was past embarrassment and way past my shy, insecure self, so when I seated myself at the table, I wasted no time and I asked what had been itching my insides since the day that I met them.

"What the hell is wrong with Edward?"

If I had told them that I had a penis, their reaction wouldn't have been so shocked.

"Why? Did he do something?" Jasper was the first to get a hold of himself.

"No. Yes. No, I mean, he didn't actually…do something, he's just…," I looked up unsure, "a jerk." And then because I wanted to clarify, I added, "again."

I looked around to see their expressions – Emmett was shaking his head resignedly, Rosalie was rolling her eyes, Alice looked worried and Jasper looked calculating. What was obvious was that Edward's being a jerk to people was not a surprise and no one seemed to want to explain why the fuck that was.

"Look," I decided to take matters into my own hands, "I know…what happened. At least…some of it."

No one seemed surprised to hear that either.

"What I don't get is why…why he treats people like that…people that have done nothing wrong…" People like me, I wanted to add.

"Bella," Jasper sighed, "you need to understand that…he is very, very angry."

"With me?" I asked incredulously because it didn't make sense.

"With everyone."

I looked up and realized it was Alice who had answered. She wouldn't look at me though and I hated it, it was like Edward was a wall separating us, keeping Alice from truly reaching out to me. It was like she was afraid that everything would be ruined because of him, and his issues and his anger. Only now did I realize the reality of that. I could trace back to the first days when I met Alice, she was eager and smiling and excited to know me, but never so excited about me knowing her. I remembered all those questions directed at me, all the things she wanted to know about me, to be my friend when she didn't let me be her friend, when she closed up whenever I inquired about her and her family. She would only tell me trivial things, insignificant things that would make no difference in our relationship. But when it came to Edward, and to their life before Forks, she backed off. And now I could finally understand her reaction, her immediate defense when I learned about Edward's past.

I looked at her and willed her with my eyes to look at me too because I wanted to reassure her, I wanted her to know that whatever Edward's behavior was, I would never think badly of her. She was one of the few people I felt really damn close and while I wouldn't go about expressing my emotions and hugging her or kissing her claiming us BFFs, I wanted to show her just how much she meant to me. The only question was how.

"Well…that sucks for him," I shrugged and with an indifference so well faked, I started eating my crappy sandwich. I was anything but indifferent, I was curious and upset and dying to know what the fuck was wrong with him, but a feeling in my gut, a feeling that I hadn't felt for a very long time, made me suck it up and pretend for Alice's sake. And there it was, that cute little smile of hers. And after a while, all the weirdness was gone and we were back to just hanging out.

And since we had plenty of time and I really wanted to change the subject, I asked the question that had been in the back of my mind all this time.

"How does…this work? How can you all be in relationships and yet…be, legally at least, related?" I really hoped I was not being offensive or anything but as it appeared they had no problem talking about it.

"Not all of us are actually adopted by Carlisle and Esme," Rosalie informed me. "Only Edward, Alice and Emmett are Cullens, at least on paper. Jasper and I use my former surname, Hale."

"Oh," I said surprised. "I didn't know that. But how…?"

"How can we stay under the same roof?" Emmett cut me off. "Well, it's some legal shit that I don't really understand or bother to understand for that matter, but the main point is that Jasper and Rose have Carlisle and Esme as guardians but not as legally adopted parents. Thus, I can make out with her all I want without having anyone calling me weirdo. Not that it would have stopped me anyway," he smiled cheekily at Rosalie who at first scowled at him but then succumbed to his teddy-bear charm. It was sweet and uncomfortable at the same time how they could go on and kiss each other like no one else was present.

I averted my eyes from them and turned to look at Alice hoping that I hadn't made her uncomfortable about the adoption part. She seemed unfazed so I probed a little deeper.

"So, how did you all meet?" I knew from our previous talks that they had all been given for adoption when they were mere babies and they had moved a lot, from orphanages to foster families until they ended up in the Cullen household.

"Well," started Alice, "Edward was the first to get adopted." I tried very hard not to show any emotion when his name was mentioned. I hoped I succeeded. "We didn't know him before we got adopted ourselves but from what Esme has told us, Carlisle sort of knew him since he was a baby but only managed to adopt him when he was 8. Emmett was next, but almost 3 years later. He had been living in a foster family that was too big for a kid to grow up. Carlisle found him one day when he was out hiding from all the noise and the commotion that was going on in the house."

"I remember that day," Emmett popped in. "I was sitting by myself outside a grand house, like 10 blocks away from that dump I was living then, when Carlisle got out to get rid of the trash. He sort of stepped on me as he hadn't seen me in the dark, and well…I may have pretended to be more hurt than I actually was." Everyone laughed at that. "Long story short, he got me inside and took care of me and when he found out the conditions I was living in, he immediately tried to help me. And since I was always a charming motherfucker, he couldn't help himself; he adopted me as well."

I was so…surprised. Everything they said seemed unreal. They were so at ease with everything, like their parents giving them away was not a big deal. I knew deep down they all had issues and emotional baggage, but I was surprised by the aloofness and the carefree way they were all dealing with this.

"We were next," Jasper claimed and Alice went on. "Jasper and I had grown up together in the orphanage. We were together since I can remember." She smiled at him and I could practically feel their connection, their attachment.

"We never got settled in a foster family because every time they would separate us, we would be hell on earth," Jasper stated almost proudly. "They couldn't deal with us more than a month each time. So we always got back to the orphanage where we at least had each other," he ended with a shrug like it was no big deal. But it _was_ a big deal even if they couldn't say it out loud, you could see it in their eyes when they looked at each other, in their touches, in their unspoken words.

"By that time, Carlisle was in full save-all-the-kids-you-can mode," Emmett explained in his own way. "So when he visited that orphanage it wasn't too long before Edward and I had another brother and sister."

"Wow," was my only comment. Now all of Charlie's praise and thanking-of-the-God for sending Carlisle was justified. The man was truly a saint.

I was just about to ask about Rosalie when Alice interrupted my thinking.

"Rosalie was the last one," she said. "And it was all Emmett's doing," she said smiling at him.

Rosalie didn't speak but she cast a look on Emmett that left no doubt about her gratitude towards him.

"What happened?" I asked curious.

"I met Rose at school," he obliged me. "She was probably the only one from an orphanage that had enough money to go to a private school."

"My mother was not dead," Rosalie explained. "She just could not raise me," she said and I could now see that at least one of them was openly troubled with abandonment issues. "And since she had plenty of money, she gave me a generous trust fund while ditching me at the nearest orphanage," she finished bitterly. Emmett didn't try to sooth her with words, he just took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. She squeezed back.

"Anyway," she went on, "I met Emmett at school when we were almost 13. He was the most annoying kid," she said with a laugh and Emmett just shrugged his shoulders.

She went on about how he kept bugging her to be her friend and how she always turned him down. She talked about his insistence that ended up being the reason she fell in love with him. Of course, it was much more innocent when they were thirteen, but since that age they were inseparable. A year later, Esme this time, decided to take under their wings Rosalie as well. But since Rosalie needed her last name in order to keep her trust fund they organized the whole guardians deal which worked for Jasper as well.

I felt really weird about bringing this subject up, like they were forced to tell me their history. In all honesty, I had only started this discussion in order to change the subject from Edward, I didn't expect to get so many answers. That didn't mean I wasn't satisfied with what I got, on the contrary I felt even more close to them than before. Somehow knowing their past and the circumstances that brought them together, made me feel like almost a part of them. Almost, because however good I was at understanding people or being there for them, I knew nothing of what they had been through, of what it was like to lose your parents, to move from family to family only to return to an orphanage. I could imagine, but I could not know.

"Err…I'm really sorry, guys…for bringing this up….you didn't have to tell me all that…" I stammered like a moron.

"It's ok, Bella," Alice smiled at me. "Really," she added when I didn't look convinced.

"Seriously, Bella," I looked up at Rosalie. "It's not like we don't have issues…" she trailed off vaguely, but then added, "but we're moving on. We are going through this as a family."

And suddenly I was…jealous. I was jealous of their bond, of their family. The thought was ridiculous before it even passed through my mind. I was jealous of some kids whose parents had abandoned them. How fucked up was that?

Truthfully, it wasn't like that. I knew I was lucky to have my parents safe and sound, and even though they were divorced, I knew they loved me and would never abandon me. What I was jealous of was the feeling itself. Alice, Rosalie, all of the Cullens, loved each other unconditionally and they showed it in their own way. They showed it, they acted on it, they admitted it. Me? I didn't even admit it in my head. I never told Charlie or Renee that I loved them. Sure, it went without saying that I did, in fact, love them, but why couldn't I be one of those kids who could actually say it or show it? Why couldn't I hug them once in a while just to show them that I cared for them?

I wish I could just pretend to feel it, this love, this bond but it would be a lie.

I crushed those thoughts as quickly as they appeared. We went back to chitchatting and I was glad that there was no weirdness between us anymore.

Weirdness came back in the form of Edward Cullen during biology.

He was mad at me; there was no doubt about that. The question was, was it just me this time, or was he mad at everyone? I decided not to try and found out. Somehow, I convinced myself that it wasn't my fault, that he couldn't possibly be angry with me as he didn't really bother with me all that much. We weren't exactly friends, we were…familiar with each other. I used to hope that we would get closer because in good days, Edward was pretty awesome, funny, smart and nice in general. Plus, he was smoking hot, and you can't help but want him to be at least your friend. _At least_.

But, apparently, even though I thought we were making progress, he went back to his brooding, angry, closed up self that I had no more patience for. And even if we had shared some…moments, up on that roof, I was not kidding myself.

He sat beside me silently, no longer angry-looking, just indifferent. He didn't say hello, or go fuck yourself, so I was pretty satisfied with the silent treatment. I was determined not to be the one to reach out to him, not to fucking bother because honestly, I was tired of his crap. I had accepted his word on the scandal involving him in Alaska, which some would say was foolish as I didn't know him very well, but I was certain because I trusted him. And apparently he thought nothing of that trust. Well, screw him.

I paid attention to Mr. Banner for all ten minutes he told us about the reproductive system and showed us ridiculous images of the "reproductive organs" while Mike and some other douche were snickering like five-year-olds.

Mr. Banner was quick and short, something that came as a surprise. But it was only because he had an ulterior motive.

"I finished so quickly today, because there is something I want us to discuss. As you know, due to budget cuts, there is no longer sex ed in this school, which I think is highly inappropriate. Nevertheless, I think most of the teachers here are capable enough to inform you about some basic things."

More snickering from Newton.

"Yes, Mr. Newton," Banner addressed his snickering, "I realize most of you know the meaning of sex and condom and STD and pregnancy and abortion."

Edward visibly stiffened next to me. I couldn't see his face clearly but his hands were gripping his chair so hard that his knuckles were white.

"What is the important thing that you all need to consider," Mr. Banner paused for dramatic effect, "is the context."

"I want to spend the rest of the hour to just talk, but I need all of you to participate. If you have any questions, please ask away. If you have any objections, you are free to state them. Raise your hand and say what you think."

After that little speech, he started talking about sex and abstinence. To his credit, he didn't really try to convince us that abstinence was the only option. In fact, he seemed to discard that altogether. What he did focus on, though, was safe sex, which would be completely tolerable if he hadn't started giving examples of some guys' ridiculous excuses for not putting on a condom.

"It is too tight, it itches, it hurts…These are excuses for the idiots. Always. Use. A. Condom."

Then he went on about teenage pregnancy and the inaccuracy of some pregnancy tests.

"If it's positive, then it's positive. If it's negative, don't rely on it. Go see a doctor to make sure."

I blushed when his gaze fell on me during his pregnancy speech. If he only knew...

All the while Edward was sitting stiff and angry-looking, staring off into space. I tried not to look at him, but his reaction had me intrigued. I knew that Tanya, that girl he supposedly raped, got pregnant. I knew she had an abortion. What I didn't know was Edward's role. Actually, I didn't know shit and once again I was mad at myself for trusting his word and not asking some serious questions. But at this point, it looked like we were never going to talk about anything remotely serious, maybe anything at all.

Mr. Banner's mood increasingly got more serious as he started the abortion talk. It was obvious that it was a sensitive subject for him but I admired him for not voicing an absolute opinion.

"I do not want to be absolute about this, but I just want you to think…_think_, before you do something you may regret later on. I know it's legal, I know it's your choice and that there are valid reasons for it, but please just…"

Both Mr. Banner and I were surprised when Edward freaking Cullen raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen..?"

"I'd just like to point out that it is not only the woman's choice. Two people are involved, both of them should decide."

"Yes, of course," Mr. Banner said, "there are two people involved…"

I couldn't help it. He was crossing some line in my head that made my feminist side flare up. I raised my hand.

"Yes, Miss Swan?"

"Um…I agree that there are two people involved, but when it comes down to it, it is, in fact, the woman's choice, as it is inside the woman's body that the baby grows."

Edward's head snapped towards me and all I saw was green eyes, raised eyebrows, tight lips, an angry glare, before he was raising his hand again. Mr. Banner just nodded at him and looked at us a little disgruntled but happy as well for our participation in the subject. I was not very happy as I knew this would not end well. Discussions such as these between men and women never did end well.

"Just because the baby grows inside a woman, doesn't make the father any less involved."

"Oh, doesn't it?" I replied without even bothering raising my hand. "I agree, the father should be informed, should know everything, but…"

"Not have a say in it?" Edward interrupted. He was all sarcasm and mocking and I so wanted to punch him right then.

"No, that's what I just said. He _should_ be involved, he _should_ have a say in it, but in the end it's the woman who decides because it's _her_ body."

"Again with the same crap," he muttered and rolled his eyes not looking at anyone in particular but I knew it was for me.

"Mr. Cullen!" Mr. Banner scolded him.

"Let me ask you this," I went on because I was flustered, furious and fucking done with this, "If the woman wants an abortion but the guy doesn't, who gets to decide, huh? Do they put it on popular vote and see who gets the most votes?" I asked sarcastically. He didn't answer and I knew I had him, or so I thought.

"Maybe if she knew how to keep her legs closed, she wouldn't get pregnant in the first place. But I guess you don't know how to do that either."

Gasp.

I wanted to die. And then rise from the dead and die again.

I had never in my life felt more humiliated, more crushed in front of an audience. Mike snickered again, while Jessica laughed like she wasn't the biggest whore in Forks and Eric tried to hide his laugh but was unsuccessful. And Edward…Edward sat back, looking relaxed now as though he had been keeping his comment inside him for too long and now that he had said it, a burden had lifted from his shoulders and he could finally lighten up. He only looked at me while saying those hurtful words, and then he was staring in front of him. And I was glad because I fucking hated him but I would hate myself more if he got to see the traitor tears that had formed in my eyes.

And it all fucking made sense now. The angry looks he cast me during that party when I was grinding that dude, the cold, indifferent treatment I got when I bumped into him this morning, the fucking anger. It was all on me, today. He wasn't just angry in general, he was angry with me. And he apparently thought I was a whore.

I'm not crying, I'm not crying, I'm not crying, I'm not crying.

I blinked and I blinked, willing the fuckers away from my eyes but they wouldn't budge.

"Mr. Cullen!" Mr. Banner practically yelled. He had heard and watched my humiliation along with the rest of the class. "Detention for the rest of the month!" He was furious and I enjoyed it, but the only thing that would make me feel the tiniest bit better would be a kick in the crotch of Edward fucking Cullen. And even that wouldn't have been enough to stop my fucking tears.

As soon as the bell had rang, two minutes after my humiliation, I was out the class, running, tripping and running some more, until I was in a bathroom stall, crying, gasping for air, punching the closed door imagining it was his fucking face, crying, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing…

I heard the door opening and a couple of chattering girls came in. I blew away my snot and wiped under my eyes. When I got out of the stall I made a pretense of my contacts bothering me, thus the redness of my eyes, and went out.

There was not even the slightest possibility that I would stay for the rest of my classes. If there was ever a decent reason for me to ditch school, Edward Cullen would be the perfect excuse.

I quickly went to my locker to pick up the things I needed but fucking luck had it that I bumped into Alice who was walking towards her next class.

"Hey, Bella," she said, confused, "don't you have another class?"

"Yeah, I just…" I fucking sniffed and she had me.

"What's wrong?" she asked trying to get a better look at me but I wouldn't let her. I really didn't want to deal with her at the moment, I didn't want to deal with anyone. I wanted to go home, get under the covers and die a troubled, tearful and sobbing death.

"Nothing, Alice, I just want to go home."

"Bullshit. What happened?"

"Jesus fuck," I muttered running my hand through my hair.

"Just…ask your brother, Alice." I didn't want to tell her, because I didn't want anyone to hear his god- awful words again. I wanted to erase his words from my memory. If hitting my head against a wall would let me forget, I was really fucking tempted to do it, but I would wait until I was in the safety of my room. The last thing I needed was people calling me a whore _and_ a psycho.

Alice doesn't even bother to ask which brother. "What did Edward do?" And she sounds all worried and panicked that I remember my previous revelation that she's worried her brother's behavior will drive me away.

"Alice, it wasn't a big deal. And we'll talk later, I promise. I just really need to go," I say, lowering my voice more and more so that the hurt cannot be heard.

"Why?" she asks all confused and cute which is probably why I blurt out the truth.

"Because I'm about to start crying and I don't like crying in public," I whisper while the tears in my eyes confirm my words.

"He made you cry?" And she's the one about to cry now.

So I hug her because…I felt like it. And it's probably the first time in fucking ever that I had the urge to hug anyone. I hug her tight and emotional and fucking honest and she hugs me back.

And after that was done, I pulled back and with the promise to call her as soon as I was feeling better, I left.

I didn't really look around me while I was walking towards my car. I don't know what actually compelled me to look up when I was passing that secluded spot where some kids were usually hanging out to smoke pot and make out, but I did and I saw _him_. Of all the people, it had to be Edward motherfucking Cullen.

He was ditching class as well, it appeared, to smoke pot. I could see it wasn't a regular clove; I had some experience with that shit. He even looked stoned, so it wasn't a big fucking mystery. He didn't see me; he probably wouldn't even see me if I was standing in front of him. He looked like he was about to pass out and for a minute I was worried for him. Maybe I should call Alice? Or Jasper? Maybe I should go ask if he's feeling okay?

And then I remembered he didn't like me anymore. He didn't like whores.


	12. Chapter 12

**A big thank you to the lovely Diana Wolveskill who took the time to beta once more and to those of you who are still reading! :) Your reviews mean the world to me!**

* * *

I cried my insides out for a couple of hours until my stubborn, pissed off, feminist side woke up.

Who the _fuck_ did he think he was?

That sexist, chauvinistic, women-hating, obnoxious, pompous pig.

He thinks I'm a whore. He called me a slut in front of everyone, and my so- called friends didn't hesitate to laugh at my expense. He fucking said I couldn't keep my legs closed in front of our fucking teacher.

He insulted me without even knowing what actually happened. He probably assumed that I slept with the guy at the party, but he didn't even bother to ask. He judged me without having taken the time to get to know me first.

He fucking humiliated me.

What kind of person did that? What kind of person treated a girl he barely knew like this? What did I ever do to him?

I tried to find something, anything that would explain his insults. I tried to remember if I ever said, implied or did anything that would make him mad at me or that would make me look like a bitch and a whore. The only thing that was ever between us was my knowing a part of his past. But that was over and done with, for the moment at least.

That stupid, pig-headed, assbag.

How _dare_ he?

The tears finally caught up with the anger again and they were unstoppable. I forgot all about his stupidity and assholeness and all that was left was the insult. Pure and hurtful and heartbreaking. All my life, all my fucking existence one thing was constant in my head; be nice, be liked, be accepted. I could count on one hand the times that I had let myself just be without worrying about what others might think. I could not remember a time when I spoke my mind freely without second-guessing myself. I could not for the life of me remember a single moment when I didn't care about the consequences of my actions, of my words, of my expressions.

I was always, constantly, holding back.

Well, no more.

Edward Cullen would get a taste of the wrath that had been boiling up inside me for years. He was, as of now, the only person that I didn't give a flying fuck if I mistreated. It appeared, he couldn't think worse of me, so there really wasn't anything I could do to get him to like him. Fuck him.

* * *

"Bella, wait up!"

Really, my day could not have started any worse. Alice was coming toward me with a very sullen and sleepy Edward following right behind her. He didn't even seem apologetic, that donkey's ass.

"What, Alice?" I really didn't mean to be so cold to her but I couldn't help it when she had brought in front of me the reason that I was feeling so shitty.

"Please, Bella," she whispered. "Edward has something to say to you."

It really didn't look like it.

What it did look like was that Alice had forced Edward to come here and offer me some meaningless apology so we could go back to pretending to be friends. Yes, I realized last night that Edward had never actually been my friend. He had been nothing to me but a boy who caused me distress by looking so good and causing me to have dirty thoughts about him and as a result making me depressed because I knew I had no chance with him. There was nothing to hold us together except for the roof incident, which was admittedly something we both wanted to forget. So, Edward Cullen? Not my friend.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I finally spoke up. "I don't think it speaks."

Just in case I could not be strong enough in school today, I decided to be as cruel as I could possibly be. And if it was impossible to hurt him as much as he had hurt me, as I was not sure that he had actual feelings, I would insult the pants off him and regain my dignity. It was all I needed and all I could have at the moment.

Edward's response was to raise his eyebrows at me as if he didn't expect that from me.

"Come on, Bella. Please," Alice begged and for a moment I actually considered doing her a favor and accepting his fake apology or whatever he had to say. I really didn't want Alice to be in the middle of this and I certainly didn't want her to think of me as a crazy bitch. But then one look at that son of a bitch's smirk and mocking face had me convinced. I would not back out.

"I'm sorry. I really don't care about what he has to say or about anything concerning him. I do not like to be associated with douchebags, so bye-bye."

My eyes were bleary from angry tears as I walked away. I was never one for angry confrontations, that stupid eyes of mine could not stay dry. I did not stop to see if anyone was following me, I did not even pay attention to those around me. I bumped my way out of the main hall and I was just about to enter the classroom when a hand pulled me back.

"Hey!"

"What?"

"I'm surprised you didn't fall on your ass again, what with going so fast in a room full of people."

_Whatever, douche bag_.

I rolled my eyes but didn't grace him with a reply. I turned to leave but his hand had a firm grasp on mine. It actually hurt a little, but I would be damned if I showed any sign of weakness in front of him again.

"Let go," I seethed.

"Calm down for a sec, alright?"

I only tried to break free even harder. His grip tightened and my arm hurt just a bit more.

"Jesus," he muttered and tried with both hands now to hold me still.

I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid my current fierceness would evaporate at the sight of his face.

"Look, I'm sorry I said that in front of the others and the teacher, okay?"

"Whatever, Edward."

And just when I finally broke free and was about to go to class, I stopped.

"So," I looked at him, "let me get this straight. You're not sorry that you pretty much called me a whore, but that there were people around to hear it?"

I could not believe his silence and the fact that he didn't reply, made it even worse. The douche really thought I was some slut sleeping around with strangers.

He looked away, clenching his jaw.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Who are you to judge me? You don't even _fucking_ know me!" I was close to hysterics now.

"Oh, but I do know you, Bella," he said bitterly and looked at me with a look so full of hatred that it scared me. "You are just like every other girl."

I laughed.

I couldn't help it. That last comment hit a nerve that would either make me laugh or cry. I chose laughter. My thoughts were filled with desperate hopes for me to become more like the other girls, to be "normal", to feel all the things everyone else seemed to be feeling except for me, and here Edward was, blaming me for being just that, as if that were a bad thing.

Despite the laughter, my eyes watered and my voice broke a little, but just enough for Edward to notice.

"You don't know a damn thing about me, Cullen."

* * *

I didn't join the Cullens for lunch, or Jessica and Angela. Instead, I took my favorite book by Amanda Quick and spent the lunch hour in the "joint spot," the place where some kids usually went to smoke pot, reading about unexpected love and all-consuming lust.

I got a text from Alice asking where I was and I told her I had a paper to finish, so I wouldn't join them. I didn't know if she believed me but I really didn't care at the moment.

Ten minutes or so passed and suddenly I was not alone. Some guy, kind of creepy, came and sat by me. I couldn't remember his name, was it John? Jimmy? Jared? I usually thought of him as the boy with the rotten teeth. It was obvious he smoked like there was no tomorrow, and judging from the fact that he was here now, he smoked pot as well. Not surprising in the least.

"Hey," he said to me but seemed to not really notice me. I could only assume just how high he was. He then went ahead to pull out a baggie of pot and roll a joint as if I was not there, as if I could not just go rat him out to the principal. I would never do that, but he didn't know me.

From the corner of my eye, I watched him smoking that shit. How he kept the smoke down until his eyes were tearing up, his eyes became more and more unfocused, and his feet started tapping with no rhythm whatsoever. I was so focused on his movements that I jumped a little when he addressed me.

"Want some?"

I looked at his blinking eyes, looking at me but not really. I was pretty sure that he was so lost at the moment, so high that he did not have a clue about his surroundings.

I remembered when I had first tried that shit. I was with my friends back in Phoenix, after a party we had just threw, and some guy started smoking. We thought it was probably the perfect time to try it, since we were adamant about trying it at least once. I remembered that it wasn't a big deal- I was fine. Perhaps a little dizzy and unfocused but after a while I was perfectly fine.

Thus my answer was: "Sure."

He passed me the joint and I didn't hesitate. I felt the smoke and for some reason I copied him and kept it inside until I just couldn't. I really shouldn't have. I didn't feel any different at that moment but after three or four hits I was gone.

I still had a sense of my surroundings, but boy, it was not as I remembered.

I saw the rotten-teeth guy laugh quietly at me. Whatever, I bet he didn't look any better.

I took a moment to just relax and leaned back, closing my eyes. Big mistake. It was like I could actually feel the earth moving. _Everything_ was moving; the fence in front of me, the school building, the sun, the rotten-teeth boy…

The only thing that was actually moving was the boy.

"Class starts in five minutes," he said and snorted at me before leaving.

_Fuck._

I took deep breaths, blinked several times and tried to focus my gaze on something. It was pointless.

I gave up after a minute or two and started gathering my stuff. It wasn't easy; I saw two bags instead of one and kept dropping my book on the floor instead of in my bag. I finally made it and started walking towards the classroom. I was focused on my feet, trying to put one in front of the other and I just hoped that people would see me before smashing into me.

It was all a haze- people around me, voices, echoes- I could feel nothing.

I don't remember how the fuck I made it, but I was just in time for Mr. Banner's class.

Biology.

I was so far gone that I could not remember why I was angry at Edward. I could not even remember how to be angry. I looked him over and all I could think was hair, green eyes, douche bag, hot, sex, asshole, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss…

I snorted a giggle.

Mr. Banner was oblivious and so was the rest of the class except for the asshole himself.

I could not understand the look he was giving me. Was he angry? Incredulous? Amused?

I touched his nose with the tip of my finger and then laughed quietly because why the hell did I just do that?

Through my laughter, I felt his hand grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. My eyes could not stay focused on his eyes, they wandered to his nose, his eyebrows, his lips. Oh those kissable lips…

"Bella? What the fuck did you do?" he whispered.

A part of my brain kept nagging me that I was not supposed to let him touch me. Shouldn't I be pushing him away? But all I could feel at the moment was his sweet breath on my face and his rough hand on my chin. I was drowning, dying and coming back to life, tasting the sweetness of his essence.

I closed my eyes and leaned in. I wanted more. _More._

I could _hear_ his breath now. It was fast and rough and delicious. I parted my lips and inhaled more of it. I was fine but I was not, I was awake but not aware, I was dreaming but I was not sleeping.

Somewhere, I was hearing voices, echoes – nothing but still something.

"Mr. Banner… Bella… wrong… nurse… go…"

The earth was moving again but I was moving with it this time. I was flying and my wings were his breath, his sweet, intoxicating breath. His touch was showing me the way and I was flying up, up, towards the sun. I would burn but it would be worth it.

And I was burning now but the pain was welcome. It filled me up, gave me strength to keep going. Higher, higher, higher…. But it was getting cold. How could the sun be cold?

"Bella? Can you hear me? Bella?"

The sun was talking to me, burning me with cold hands.

"Wake the fuck up, Bella!"

The sun was mad at me, his green eyes were furious. What did I do?

"Jesus fuck, how much did you smoke?"

It was just cold now, cold hands. Where was the sun?

"Look at me! Can you hear me? Focus your eyes on mine, Bella. Look at me."

And I did. I looked at the sun and it hurt.

"What happened?" I voiced but that was not my voice.

"You tell me, Bella. What the fuck did you smoke?"

And it was all somewhat clear. The joint spot, rotten-teeth boy, the actual joint, Edward, Edward, Edward…

I inhaled sharply and moved away from him. Where was I?

"Relax," he muttered and tried to keep me still.

My face was wet and so were his hands. I was sitting on a bench just outside the nurse's office and Edward was standing over me.

"Here, drink some water," he said and gave me a bottle. My face was dripping water and I assumed he had splashed some water on me to wake me up. It was working, sort of. I drank and drank and drank until the bottle was empty. I wanted more.

"Bella, listen to me," Edward spoke again and his voice sounded like it was coming from another planet. I could hear him but it was so… weird.

He grabbed my face again and forced me to look at him.

"I'm supposed to take you to the nurse, but I can't take you like that," he said. "You need to wake the fuck up," he said and punctuated every word with a shake of my head. I was dizzy.

"I'm," I blinked, "fine."

"Yeah, you're just peachy," he said sarcastically and I had the sudden urge to hit his pretty face. Hard.

"Just… go away," I said and pushed him with the little strength I had. He went back a couple of steps. "I'll go by myself," I said and stood up. And oh, everything was spinning and I was too hot and then too cold and the bench was just mere inches away from my face and he was gripping my arm again pulling me back and it hurt, it really hurt.

"Ow," I yelped and took a few steps away from him. I took my jacket off and was left with a sleeveless t-shirt. I heard a gasp and then l looked down and saw the bruise from his hands. It wasn't that bad, I've had worse just by bumping into my door.

"Shit, Bella, did I…?" Edward looked horrified.

"Relax, Cullen, I bruise easily," I mumbled. I went to pull the jacket back on but he stopped me and gingerly took my bruised arm in his hands. I shivered.

I pulled back my arm more harshly than I intended but his insults were slowly coming back to me and I had no desire to have him touching me. Well, I did have a desire for his touch, but that was the pot talking. I was not attracted to him. I was not.

"Shit…I'm…sorry, Bella, I…" he muttered and he truly looked horrified with himself. It wasn't a big deal, really, but I didn't mind so much that he was feeling like shit.

"I'm going to the nurse," I informed him and turned towards the office.

"Wait!" He went to grab my arm again but pulled back like he got burned. Jesus, it was just a bruise.

"What are you going to tell her exactly?" He asked and he was angry now. Was he angry with me or with himself? I didn't really give a shit.

"I… uh…"

"That's what I thought," he muttered sarcastically and, oh God, how I wanted to hit him!

"Okay, here's the deal," he went on. "You don't feel well due to…due to PMS, and you need to get home but your dad is working so I volunteered and Mr. Banner was perfectly ok with it. Got it?"

"So, we lie," I conclude and he arches an eyebrow at me.

"Yes, we fucking lie, Bella. Unless you'd like to explain to your father, who is a fucking cop, how his little girl got stoned during lunch hour."

I pretend to think about it and then I reply. "No, I think I would not like that." And he rolls his eyes at me.

I follow him to the nurse's office and I realize I'm still dizzy as hell. I see two nurses and I wonder if that's the pot or they hired another nurse. They look a lot alike, so I'm guessing it's the pot.

"Go lie down and pretend to be… Just lie down," he whispers harshly in my ear, probably realizing that I need not pretend anything- I already feel like hell.

I do as he says and I faintly hear him talking to the nurse. I close my eyes and I feel the blackness fall on me. I feel like I'm drowning once more and I squeeze my eyes tight hoping for the feeling to go away. It doesn't and as I open my eyes, everything is bleary, moving around me once more. But this time I feel and see everything. I'm conscious in this unconscious state of mind and I feel the nothingness as if it crawled inside of me. I'm not flying anymore. I feel like running far, far away, but I cannot move.

"Bella…. Bella… time to go."

Edward is pulling me up and then he's away from me in an instant as if he got burned.

"Can you walk?" he asks quietly but doesn't wait for an answer as he is already walking out of the office. I follow, once again trying very hard to put one foot in front of the other, until we're standing by his car, his stupid, shiny, fucking car.

"My car," I mumble and head toward the other way where my car is parked.

"You're not driving, Bella," he curses and pulls me back by the back of my pants. I giggle.

The ride home was funny, but then again everything seemed funny to me at that point. I was mostly amused by how angry Edward was. And the harder I laughed, the angrier he got. It was all such a ridiculous situation.

Edward just kept asking fucking questions.

"What did you smoke? Who gave it to you? Why the fuck did you smoke in the first place?"

"Chill, buddie, it's not my first time," I sounded like I was proud of it, but I was really not. I just wanted to fuck with him.

"Oh, really? How stupid can you be to smoke during school hours?" He went on angrily.

"That's just perfect. I was a slut and now I'm stupid too," I laughed without humor.

He didn't reply to that and stopped talking altogether. I was glad because one more word out of his stupid mouth would have me jumping out of a moving vehicle. I was gradually sobering up, and that meant my anger for him was returning as well. I was glad.

He pulled over in front of my house and I was relieved to see Charlie was not home yet. I didn't even glance at Edward and I was out of the car, heading towards the door.

"You're welcome, by the way," he called out.

"And you're an asshole, by the way," I fired back and I listened to his door slamming as he got out of the car and followed me.

"Let me see your arm." He was right behind me and I shivered. His breath tickled the back of my neck and I wanted to hit him in the nuts.

"It's fine," I mumbled as I was unsuccessfully trying to put the key into the damned keyhole. I was almost sober now but the dizziness was accompanied by nausea.

I felt his hand softly touching my back, as if he was afraid of hurting me. He _had_ hurt me, not with his stupid hand but with his words. I could afford to be a little more honest with myself now that I was still a bit high.

"Bella, let me see your arm," he insisted. "Please."

I took a deep breath and gave up on the door. I looked him right in the eye.

"Why the fuck do you care?" I hated my voice for quivering but I didn't back down. I kept staring at him as his eyes looked for something in mine.

"I hurt you," he whispered and I could see the pain in the green of his eyes, in the clenching of his jaw.

"Yeah, you did," I whispered and more tears gathered in my eyes. I was not talking about my arm and he realized that as well. He turned his face away from me and started walking towards his car. He stopped, turned to look at me, then kept walking. He stopped again and this time he groaned out loud.

"I really thought you were different, Bella," he said and shook his head. "I'm really sorry that you're not."

He did not move and neither did I. Something inside me cracked and I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm a virgin."

That was not what I had planned to say but I guess the pot made me a bit more forthcoming than usual.

He seemed frozen in his place.

"I've never had sex," I elaborated as if he didn't know what a virgin was. "I'm almost eighteen and I haven't even come close to having sex."

He finally averted his eyes from mine and shook his head as if to make sure he was actually hearing this. He looked at me again, incredulously, and I hated him so much at that moment.

"It's not because I'm waiting for the right guy or to fall irrevocably in love. It's not because I'm that ugly that no one will look at me and it's not because I don't want to."

I walked closer to him and I was so angry that I saw my reflection in his eyes and it was scary.

"It's because I can't…feel…_anything._ Every time I kiss someone, nothing. Every time a guy touches me, nothing."

My eyes didn't leave his.

"I am trying desperately to find what others take for granted. I am trying to experience any kind of emotion, any kind of reaction that would make me feel like a normal teenage girl, like a fucking woman. I…_can't_. "

I was standing in front of him, my face mere inches away from his. His eyes hadn't left mine, either.

"So yeah, Cullen, I may be a slut. I hooked up with a random guy at a stupid party. I didn't know his name, I didn't even see his fucking face before he had his tongue in my throat. But I'm not like any other girl and don't you fucking _think_ that you know anything about me."

It was when I tasted one of my tears that I realized I was crying. I _hated_ crying in front of others.

I wiped my face and turned away from him and ran to the door. This time the fucking key got in with the first try and I was about to close the door on him, on the pain he caused me when he pushed back. He kept the door open just enough for me to see his apologetic eyes, his lips ready to say sorry. I didn't give him the chance just like he didn't give it to me.

I pushed the door with all the strength I had and it close.


	13. Chapter 13

**This is for dani.7o who gave me the inspiration i needed ;)**

**Merry Christmas to you all!**

**Warning: Mentions of rape, nothing graphic or even M rated.**

* * *

_Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang._

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"What's that noise?"

"Uh…It's nothing, I was just… It's nothing. Sorry."

"Oh. It's okay. I guess. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, dad."

Perfect. Now even Charlie thought I was insane.

The noise Charlie heard was in fact my softly banging my head against the wall. Yeah.

"I'm a virgin."

What? _Bang_. In the world? _Bang_. Was I thinking? _Bang_.

Oh, that's right, I wasn't thinking because I was high. _Bang_.

I still hated Edward but I didn't like the fact that now, in his eyes, I was a stupid sort-of slut and in desperate need for a shrink. I just unloaded all my issues on him like it was nothing. I told him things that I usually didn't even confess to myself. I could never face him again. I would never face him again if it was up to me.

I stood up suddenly ready to go wake Charlie up. I was seriously considering changing schools, leaving the country if necessary.

How did I do this? How did I cause all this drama?

I was always the sad, lonely but pleasant girl that everyone liked. I was quiet and kept to myself and nothing could disturb my serenity. And hell, I may have been a bit miserable about my lack of social life but I would give anything to get it back.

What was I supposed to do now? How was a supposed to act? All the movies I've seen, all the books I've read are no help right now. In those, all the shit the characters went through just disappeared when the next crisis came up. Everything was better with an apology and a couple of tears. The bad guy got what he deserved and the good girl got to be with the man of her dreams. That's all I knew because that was all I had seen. I had never been in a situation like this because I never let myself get even remotely involved with the people around me.

What the fuck now?

* * *

No one was looking at me. Well, no one was looking at me more than usual. That was a good sign, right?

If Edward had told people about me I would be getting more looks, wouldn't I?

I went to my first class and everything was normal. I hadn't seen the Cullens yet but that was not surprising. I had come to school almost an hour earlier just so I wouldn't bump into them. I knew that the only time I would get to see them was at lunch, and then it was private time for me and Edward during biology. Oh the fun.

At lunch, I moved slowly and kept looking around me trying to catch a glimpse of them. Nothing.

I picked up my food, looked around and still nothing.

I sat at the table with Angela, Jessica and the guys and still nothing.

I wanted to ask someone if they knew what happened to them because I was both curious and fucking scared. After the little incident with Edward yesterday they just disappeared? Something was up. But I couldn't just ask Jessica or Angela. They knew them less than me and I knew pretty much shit about them. Especially one of them whose name shall not be mentioned. And just when I was thinking I would die from curiosity, out of all people, Mike gave me the info I wanted.

"You know the Cullens are up on the mountain?" Mike casually questioned.

"What?" I gaped at him. If I didn't know how genuinely stupid Mike was I would think he actually understood my anxiety and wanted to appease me. But nah.

"Yeah. Their dad…stepdad…whatever came over the store yesterday and picked up some camping equipment. He said they usually go camping when the weather's nice."

Well, the sun was fucking shining.

"That's so cool," Jessica gushed and I mentally rolled my eyes. For Jessica, every fucking thing the Cullens did was "so cool". I wondered if they weren't so motherfucking gorgeous if she would spare even a glance towards them.

"Yeah," I muttered, "really cool."

I ditched the last period, as per usual. I just didn't have it in me to run up and down in short shorts and try to avoid Jessica's balls that always seemed to accidentally head towards me. Fuck that.

I told Charlie I ditched because I was feeling rather honest. I was feeling so shitty that getting grounded would be fucking nothing. Surprisingly, he didn't react so vividly as previous times. Something was up.

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged and then started telling me about his best friend who was in a wheel chair and had to go to surgery today. He said how he wanted to be with him but couldn't.

"Why not?"

"I just don't…I don't want to leave you alone again. I'm gone all day and you're always staying in. Alone."

"Fuck that, Charlie. You should go."

He did a double take.

"Did you just say fuck?"

Oh shit.

"Um…I…Uh…well….I'll put a dollar in a jar or something…" I suggested half-heartily.

He looked more incredulous than before. Shit, I really had left him speechless. I should probably watch my fucking language from now on. Yeah, good job there champ.

"Just…just go be with your friend, dad," I continued because I really didn't want to elaborate on my cussing any more. "I'll be fine." And just to make sure he believed me I added, "I'll call Alice and tell her to come by and keep me company."

That was a fucking lie. With a capital FUCKING.

But Charlie seemed to buy it so all was well.

"Alright, alright. I should probably start heading there, then. It's a long ride," he said and started walking around, gathering his things.

He was just getting out the door when he warned, "You know, Dr. Cullen will perform the surgery so I'll ask him if his daughter plans to come by." He gave me a knowing look and closed the door.

"Well, fuck."

I probably said that a little more loudly than I should have because Charlie opens the door again and adds, "You can put two dollars in that jar on the kitchen table." And his tone is not one to mess with.

* * *

I do my homework. I make lunch for tomorrow. I clean up my room. I watch the latest Vampire Diaries episode. I daydream about Stefan for a while. Then about Damon. Then I obsess over Edward and how fucked up things are at the moment. Then I look at the clock and it's still fucking eight o' clock. I know I won't sleep at least until midnight, so what am I supposed to do?

Charlie called and said he wouldn't be back tonight, that he would stay in the hospital with Billy, his friend who had the surgery, and that he'll be back tomorrow after work.

He didn't say anything about Alice and the fact that she's not here with me, but I sense that he didn't even have to ask Dr. Cullen to know I was lying. After all these years both Charlie and Renee know that I actually cherish the time I'm alone. Well, I don't anymore. And it's all _his_ goddamned fault.

I can't keep him out of my head. I know him for all of two months, and I can't get over the fact that he has already called me a whore, confronted me for getting high, brought me home while calling me a stupid slut and I responded by telling him about my existential issues with a virgin cherry on top. And let's not forget Edward's rape charges which we haven't even come close to discussing as well as my inability to stay away from him even though I practically know nothing about him, certainly not enough to blindingly trust him.

"Agggghhhhh!"

I grab my head and shake it hard. I want the voices to stop. It's one thing to have a little voice in your head that says shit and pisses you off and it's another to have a whole concert going on.

I grab the phone and decide to call Alice after all. I dread the moment Edward's name will inevitably come up, whether he's told her about my outburst or not, but I make the call anyway. No one picks up, even though I let it ring and ring until it goes to voicemail. I hung up and sulk some more.

Where the fuck are they?

Could Mike be right? Could they be camping? But Dr. Cullen is certainly not camping as Charlie called and confirmed just how awesome the Doctor is. Billy was going to be fine thanks to him, apparently.

So I definitely know where the father is. But where is the rest of the family?

I struggle against admitting to myself why I'm so worked up about this. I try but I fail because the voices are louder than ever.

_You drove them away._

Edward probably thought I was a nutcase, perhaps a danger for them as I knew some of Edward's past. Maybe they didn't want any more drama and a crazy small town girl with random outbursts and a history of smoking pot is certainly a bit dramatic.

And I'm pissed with myself because I just don't want them to leave. I don't. And I feel like a 5 year old who stomps her foot when things don't go her way but damn it. I don't want them to leave. I have felt more at home with them than even with my parents. I've only known them for a couple of months and it feels like we've known each other since we were five. At least _I_ feel like that.

And that's the problem, isn't it?

The little voice in my head that gets louder and louder is whispering that this is what would hurt the most. If they left, if they moved out and said no word to me, not goodbye, not best luck, not anything, it just means I meant shit to them. It means my worst fears and insecurities are actually true. I am truly a boring, lifeless shell of a human that were it to just disappear from the face of the earth, no one would actually notice.

I'm crying and I can no longer keep up with my thoughts. I'm sobbing like a baby and I don't even realize how I reached to that point. I curl up on the couch and bury my tear stained face in a pillow to muffle the sounds of pain. I feel them trembling through my body, shaking me whole. It physically hurts to give up.

Somewhere in the back of my pessimistic, resigned and hysterical thoughts I know I'm rushing to the conclusion. I know deep down that I'll be ok and that this will not destroy me, I'll be fine. I don't need the Cullens, I don't need anyone. I'm perfectly fine on my own. But I can't think the good when all feels bad.

I'm crying so loudly that I don't even hear the doorbell. When I do, I ignore whoever the fuck it is. I stop crying and stay quiet so that they'll get back wherever it is they came from. I'm in a mood to cry and hit and swear, not a mood suitable for visitors. Besides, it's probably one of the neighbors who heard my fucking sobfest and came to check up on me.

And just when I think they're gone, I hear a kick to the door and a distinct fuck.

"Bella, I know you're in there. I could hear you fucking whining about a mile away."

I'm so stunned that I run to the door without wiping away the snot and the tears and the pain. I thrust the door open and he's standing there, motherfucking Edward.

And of course, the first thing out of my mouth is an incredulous, "my fucking whining?"

"Get over yourself."

He pushes past me and gets inside without being invited in. My eyes go straight to the locker where Charlie keeps a gun hidden, just in case. He taught me how to use one when I was thirteen and at the moment I'm practicing in my head the steps in order to kill the Cullen asshole.

It takes me a minute to gather my thoughts and when I finally turn towards him, he's already helped himself with a coke from the fridge and he's sitting in Charlie's pull up chair studying me.

I'm speechless.

Seconds tick away. Minutes. And I'm still standing there with the door open, gaping like a fool. And he's still there, smirking and unabashedly staring at me. It's like that day in the hospital. He looks at me like I'm something to study, something that intrigues him and he wants to set it apart and study its parts.

"What?" I demand to know what's so fucking interesting. I know I'm dull and boring so how can he look at like that?

"You're funny."

"You're a douche."

"You're rude, too.

"And you're an ass, as well."

"You should shut up before this leads to another argument."

"You should leave before I get Charlie's gun out and shoot you in the leg."

Where did this hostility come from?

Oh right, he called me a whore and humiliated me in front of the whole class. I should have said I'd shoot him in the head.

"Why the fuck are you smiling?" I huff. I close the door with a bang and I storm to where he's sitting.

"Get out of my house."

"Shut up."

"Get your ass off of there and out of this house right now."

"Shut up."

"Don't tell me to shut up."

"Make me."

I turn to go to the locker and get that fucking gun out but I only move one step. He's grabbed my hand and is pulling me back. He's up and looming over me, exasperated.

"Will you please sit down and be quiet so that I can explain why I'm here?"

I can see he's holding back his own anger and that stops me for a minute. I could probably hear his shit out and then tell him to fuck off. This whole hostile behavior is so unlike me that it frightens me so I decide to at least pretend to be a little polite.

"Fine. But then you leave," I say tersely.

"Fine. If you still want me to."

Why would I possibly want him to stay?

I refrain from making another rude remark and sit opposite him on the couch. I cross my legs and stare intently at his shoes. They're nice. Rich kid shoes. My worn out all stars look cheap and pathetic next to his.

"I'm up here, you know," he says and I see his hand pointing to his face.

"I know," I reply and raise pointedly my eyebrows while still staring at his shoes.

I don't want him here. I'm pissed off and irritated and uncomfortable. The tears are still visible on my face even though I wiped them away. I'm embarrassed because this dude, this prick of a guy, knows things about me that no one else does. He knows things that may seem insignificant but in truth aren't. My past has been following me around and now he's in on it, even if he doesn't know it.

"I came here to apologize."

I have nothing to say to that. His apology is certainly not accepted so I find no reason to reply.

"And to tell you you're an idiot."

The fuck?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shriek and cast him a deadly glare.

"Just…shut up. Give me two minutes to explain and then you can yell at me all you want," he says harshly and I'm tempted to punch that little pretty mouth of his. Really.

He sighs and looks at me warily. Did he realize how close I came to attacking him? Apparently not since he continues talking.

"You're an idiot because you fret about every little thing."

Huh?

"You over think everything. One minute you're happy and the next you're gone somewhere in your head and in a matter of seconds you've brought yourself down for the stupidest things. You interpret situations in negative ways just so you can feel sorry for yourself and so that you can justify your closing up to yourself with no fucking reason."

Um, what?

"You worry about what your parents are going to think, your friends, your teachers, even fucking strangers. You're afraid of showing even a glimpse of yourself because you're scared shitless that people are not going to like it."

Well, that was…spot on. But still, what?

"You're a fucking idiot," he concluded with an angry sigh. He looked like he had ridden himself of a great burden, like he wanted to tell me this for a long time.

As for me, I was fucking lost.

"Can we go back to the apology part because all this therapy-revelation rant is annoying and irrelevant," I say moodily.

Sure, he was right about some things he said, ok most of it, but still, who the fuck does he think he is?

"I _am_ sorry," he insists, "but that doesn't negate everything el…"

"What are you sorry for?"

I don't believe him for a second.

"I'm sorry I treated you the way I did," he says and has the decency to look down embarrassed.

I still don't buy it.

"Why do you care?" I really want to know because I just don't get it.

"Because," he says frustrated, "I don't like misjudging people. I don't like to condemn someone when I don't really know the whole story."

Well, that's some deep shit. I know he's not talking about just me now. He knows what it's like to be judged harshly for something that isn't true and even if I don't really know the whole story, I'm pretty sure people treated him like shit for something that he didn't do. I wonder if that's where all the jerk issues of his come from.

"But why?" I ask and now I'm really looking at him. Why do you do this? Why do you act like this? Why?

He laughs, but his face shows anything but mirth. Suddenly he looks like he's 100 years old, like he's gone through things no 17-year-old should go through.

"I was accused of rape, Bella," he says like that must mean something to me. And it does, I understand the pain, the suffocation of the unfairness, the false accusation. I can understand the anger, the frustration, but then what?

He takes a deep breath.

"Before all the…shit that happened, I was quite a…player."

Figures.

"I had probably dated all the girls that were my age, at least the ones worth dating," I roll my eyes and he ignores me, "by the time I was sixteen." I know that when he says date, he means fuck. He knows it as well that's why he adds, "It wasn't a big school." Like that helped his case. Men.

"Anyway, I was pretty much what you would call a jerk, never stayed with a girl for more than a few hook-ups, never committed, but also never cheated. I was always clear about what I wanted and I never, ever, had trouble with any girl that I had…" he pauses to find the word he needs, but I know the word, so I say it for him.

"Dumped."

He looks at me sharply like I insulted him. Please. He fucked all the female population of his school and he's delicate about the way he's going to talk about it? Give me a break.

"Yes, Bella, I dumped a lot of girls, but every single one of them knew what they were getting themselves into," he says through his teeth.

"I know, I didn't…"

"No, you don't know," he interrupts me sharply. "All of you have this image of a guy who can't commit to a relationship like the devil incarnate. You think we cheat, we lie, we treat women badly and all that cliché crap. For your information, I never told a single lie to any girl. They knew I was a guy who wanted hook-ups and sex and that was it."

"You make it sound so pretty," I can't help but sarcastically add.

"No, Bella, it's not fucking pretty," he mocks me back, "but it's honest. It's fucking honest and one thing I cannot tolerate is dishonesty."

He huffs frustrated and grips his hair hard. I can see it's painful for him to recall all this, but I still don't understand what his previous sex life has anything to do with his jackassery towards me. So I tell him.

"I still don't understand," I say and he smiles sadly.

"After the news of Tanya's supposed rape by me was out, everyone turned against me," he said sadly. "Even my friends were disgusted by me, my friends' parents, my teachers…it was hell. But…but I understood where they were coming from. They didn't know what to believe and the easiest way was to go with the victim's side. I got angry looks, stares, alienation, all of that crap that happens to a social pariah."

"What changed?" I ask because I knew it couldn't just end like this. He was too damaged for it to have ended like this.

"I was waiting, suffering but keeping calm because I knew I was innocent and I knew I had my family to support me. And the fact that they didn't doubt me for even a fucking second, made the suffering a lot more tolerable."

"And then," he chuckles heavily, "just a couple of days before the investigation was to be over and the charges dropped, another girl came up."

"What?" I hadn't read anything about that.

"The media kept out of this," he says as if reading my mind. "An ex of mine claimed that she had been raped, too. Of course there was no evidence, nothing to support her statement, that's why the police came to a dead end before the investigation even happened. But the damage was done. One by one, almost all of my exes came forward, either on record or off and confessed to having been violated in some way."

Oh my God.

"What…? What…?" I didn't know what to say.

"Yes, exactly. I didn't know what was happening. I was trying to find something, anything I could have done to them that they would want to hurt me so badly. I even tried to confront one of them during school, but no one would let me near her, near any of them. Even the teachers had me sitting in a far away corner so as to not disturb the other students with my presence."

"But how…how did you not end up in jail? I mean, if there were enough girls to claim that you, you know, did that, how come they let you free?"

"I did spend some time in jail, but Carlisle quickly bailed me out," I could see the admiration and love in his eyes as he spoke about his father. "And then he had the best private investigators look for all the details the state police had not even bothered to look at. If it was up to them, they would have thrown me in jail without an investigation at all."

"There was no evidence, no previous record on my part, no actual witness to have seen even remotely anything that would imply rape, so the case was dropped."

He ends it there but I can't help but feel like I didn't get the whole story. I want to ask about Tanya and the pregnancy and the abortion but I don't want to push him. So I ask something else.

"Then why did you leave? If…if the charges were dropped why didn't you and your family stay there?" I realize it's a stupid question, the second I utter it.

"Would you want to live in a town where everyone thought you were a monster?"

"No," I say quietly but he goes on.

"It was hell, Bella. I'm not proud for leaving. I know I should have stayed and fought for my name to be cleared but…it was too hard."

I don't say anything because I agree, no one should stay and suffer through that, but he's in a trance, conversing with himself, blaming and excusing himself for his actions.

"I know I was weak, I should have fought harder. But it was…too much, too fucking much. The way they…and that night…and every time i…"

I could see he was torturing himself. I felt so sad at that moment, so small. I couldn't possibly begin to imagine what he had to go through, and something told me he was leaving a lot of details about what really happened to him in that town out of the story. I would ask someday, but for now I was glad I had gotten that much.

"I'm glad you left," I say and I mean it.

He looks up and into my eyes and I can see the gratitude pouring out of him.

"No one," I say loudly and then repeat it, "no one deserves that, Edward."

He stays quiet and appreciative but I feel like I should say more. He told me one of his darkest moments, some painful memories because I think he wanted to come somewhat clean like I did, even though I was under the influence of marijuana. I gave him something, he gave me something back and that, that really meant a lot to me.

"I am really, really sorry for what happened to you," I whisper with intensity. "I wish…I wish I could do something to make it all better."

He looks up to me then and we both seem to realize just how close our faces are to each other. My face heats up because what I said seemed like a provocation. I do mean what I said, I wish I could make it all better, I wish I could help him in some way. But not…in that way. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want something like that from me either. I might be looking at his lips right now but that doesn't mean anything. My heart may be beating frantically but it certainly doesn't mean anything. I can smell him and it makes me shiver but that means fucking nothing. It can't.

"You _can_ do something for me," he whispers.

I'm frozen. I don't know what he's implying, I don't know if I read too much into things, but this…this feels like a moment. I move neither my face nor my stare from his lips. I'm confused and surprised and intoxicated. I've never felt like this before.

He moves his face closer, our faces are inches apart. And this is it, isn't it? This is the scene I have seen in countless movies, I have read in countless books. The boy leans in and the girl closes her eyes. He takes too long but the anticipation is exciting her. His breath falls on her lips and she tastes his sweetness. His lips touch hers and it's magic.

"I want you to stop being an idiot."

Wha…?

I open my eyes and realize what an idiot I truly was. I had closed my eyes, I was leaning in, as if Edward freaking Cullen was going to kiss me. As if he was remotely interested in me in that way. As if I stood a chance.

I pull back sharply and say nothing. My face is beat red and I'm making awkward movements, embarrassed to the bone. I'm trying to hide the humiliation from my face but the feeling of mortification is too intense. I can't look him in the eye, I can't look at any part of him so I turn to stare at the door as if someone was to come in. I don't even have a response to his calling me an idiot again because this time he's so right that I could not find any argument against it. How stupid could I be to actually believe this was a fucking moment, to think that I was living in one of those moments from the movies?

"That!" I jump because he fucking yelled at me. "That is what you always do!" He's pointing at me with wide eyes and I'm confused.

"Right there, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking but I literally saw you fall apart in a matter of seconds. Stop that!"

I look at him incredulously because fuck him. Didn't he see me make a fool out of myself, thinking that he was going to kiss me? Did he do it on purpose just to provoke me and then call me an idiot? Was he trying to make me feel even shittier than I already did?

"What's your point, jackass?" I ask harshly because now the embarrassment is turning into anger. "I know I do stupid things and embarrass myself, I don't need you to remind me."

Does he have to fucking rub it in?

He laughs at me. He fucking laughs at me.

"You don't get it, do you?" He asks and I scowl at him because I really don't.

"Only you can make yourself feel embarrassed. Most of the times, no one understands if you did something wrong or embarrassing. You just fret and analyze every little thing in your head, that in the end it seems like such a fucking big deal when in fact it isn't. You care about what other people think of you so much that you hide everything about you, even the things that are actually endearing."

"Whatever," I scoff but I actually think he has point. I know I fear what others might think or say about me but I never realized it was in such a degree.

He's smiling at me now, all condescending and shit. He feels proud of himself, I'm sure, like he's figured me out. Well, he might know some things, but in reality he knows shit.

"Stop smiling like that," I say to him, "you look like a dork."

He laughs and replies, "I like you better this way."

"And what way is that?"

"Honest. Open. Not afraid to say what's on your mind."

I don't realize it until now. He's right. I've talked to him more today, when I was angry and mad at him, than I've ever done before. I'm pretty sure I've never threatened a guy before to leave my house or else I'd shoot him.

"I really am sorry, though," he says apologetically but I've already forgiven him. "I'm sorry about judging you, about saying those things. It's just…they way you acted at that party," I cringe but he doesn't stop, "reminded me of all those girls from back home."

And now I feel like shit again. I know I acted like a drunken bimbo that night but he can't possibly compare me to the lying bitches that did horrible things to him. But before I can cuss him out yet again, he interrupts me.

"I know, it wasn't anything like that and again, I'm sorry for judging you but…but you have to understand that…it's not easy for me to see the good in people, not anymore. I don't like meeting new people because I just don't know how they're gonna turn out in the end, if they're going to back stab me, accuse me of murder or whatever. And I know it's fucked up and stupid but I'm…I'm scared."

He whispers the last part and I'm afraid to even breathe because I don't want him to stop talking. I want to hear his story, to understand him better because I can see that he's a great person under all the assholeness he puts up as a front. I want to know him and the only way that's going to happen is if he tells me about his past. I could very easily google the story and all its details but I want his story, his side, his feelings.

"And when I met you," he chuckles a little, "you were so shy and timid. You were so different from all the other girls that I just had to know. I liked making you feel uncomfortable, as well," he laughs and I scowl. "You were funny as hell."

"I'm glad I amuse you," I say moodily but I'm not even remotely insulted. I'm actually…flattered.

"That's why…that's why I couldn't believe it when I saw you at that party," he says and the smile is gone. "It was so out of character, it was so different from what I'd seen you were like. And even though I knew you for a couple of months, I felt like I really understood you. And then…the party happened and I felt like I had made a mistake, I thought that you were just like them."

It saddens me the fact that he thought that for even a second, because it was a stupid mistake to hook up with that guy and I regretted it the moment I did it. But still, he was wrong to judge me like that whether I was into it or not because in the end, I just did what he had been doing all through high school. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I didn't hurt anybody, so no I didn't owe any apologies for my actions.

"I'm not going to apologize for…that night. "

"I know, I don't expect you to…"

"Let me finish," I insist. "Trust me when I say that under normal circumstances and no booze, I would never have done that. But that doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I may feel bad about it because I did something I regretted the morning after, but you had no right to judge me so harshly, especially when I do that to myself all the time. You really made me feel like shit." I'm surprised by the honest words coming out of my mouth. I can't believe I'm being this honest and open with him but I can't seem to stop. I seriously think that I've never talked to another person about my feelings so openly. Renee would be so proud.

"I know, I know," he whispers sadly. "And I realized what a jerk I had been when you…told me…all that stuff," he says awkwardly. He's talking about my outburst after the pot fiasco and we're both uncomfortable so I just try to joke about it.

"Probably changed your mind when I dropped the virgin bomb on you, huh?" I chuckle nervously.

"No, no it wasn't that," he says seriously and I kind of wish we'd drop the conversation. "It was everything else."

He looks at me now and I can tell he has questions. He knows I'm fucked up too and I beg him with my eyes to just drop it. I know he was very brave saying all these personal things to me about his past, but I'm not ready to talk about mine yet. I think he sees that in my eyes because he suddenly stands up and heads for the door.

"Anyway, I should go," he says with a smile and opens the door.

"Yeah."

"We're…we're cool now, right?" He asks and he looks like a little kid.

"Yes." I mean it.

"Alright then."

He heads to his car and just when I'm about to close the door he adds.

"Next time it's your turn to talk."

He means it and I know I owe him that much. I nod and I wait at the door until I can't see his car any more.


End file.
